Emma Demorest / Daily Nexus


Half a bottle of raspberry Smirnoff seeped into the carpet of UC Santa Barbara sophomore Sarah Varelli’s room in her parents’ lavish upper-middle-class Temecula home Thursday night after “taking shots with the girls” over Zoom “to pass the time.” Although her Twitter feed seems to reflect the views of an indignant collegiate feminist man-hater, Varelli is reportedly finally running out of penis-bearers from her past to drunkenly text.

“I’ve already texted all of my exes, even the one that cheated on me! That’s when you know it’s bad,” Varelli confidently declared, as if texting her “boyfriend-who-wasn’t-her-boyfriend” wasn’t infinitely more embarrassing. “Next, I’m probably gonna go for the guy who I held hands with once a month or so ago who communicates with me almost exclusively over TikTok DM. But after that? Jeez, I’m not sure. Maybe I’ll finally message back that guy who asked me for nudes in eighth grade.” 

Although Varelli’s liquid courage has purportedly “done her favors,” acquaintance Adam Cummings argues otherwise. “While I understand that this quarantine horny do be hitting different,” he began, “I don’t even know Sarah’s last name. She stood behind me in line at Cajé once. How she got my number is a mystery to me.”

Among Varelli’s biggest regrets is waking up to her Instagram direct message feed full of “seen” messages to every member of the UCSB Men’s Club Water Polo team on the roster, with the exception of one first-year athlete who replied “im down bb” accompanied by a tongue emoji.

The first-year athlete in question was not available for comment.

As Varelli patiently waits day by day for either quarantine to be over or her knight in a shining frat T-shirt to sweep her off her digital feet (due to social distancing regulations), whichever comes first, one thing remains certain: Varelli is going to need a better carpet cleaner.


Natalie Kothergirls has never, not even once, been horny.


Natalie Kothergirls
I'm here to chew bubble gum and write satire... and I'm all out of bubble gum.