Although midterm season has already come and gone, many students of the University of California are still adjusting to the new lifestyle that remote instruction entails. Whether that means helping out around the house, fighting the urge to cut your own bangs or mustering the courage to venture out of bed and toward the kitchen before noon, a little can go a long way in terms of university-provided assistance. While UCSB officials plan to do jack shit for currently enrolled, tuition-paying students, this sentiment has inspired them to make one major change to future admission processes: Incoming freshmen and transfer students will no longer be required to wear pants to earn admission to the university.
The long-awaited decision came after weeks of pantsless Zoom-call deliberation among COVID-19 response staff. “Everyone was proposing their ideas on how we can make these strange and uncertain and unprecedented times a little less stressful and strange and uncertain,” one anonymous staffer recalled, “when I just looked down for a second, saw those purple polka dots and boom. That’s when I knew.”
While a new sans-pant road lies ahead of UCSB, the decision was met with backlash from current students who claimed that their pant-donning years have been “all for nothing.” Third-year student Elias Tancio is among many who believe that the new requirements are all talk, no trousers.
“Believe me, dude, if I could have all the clout of going to UCSB minus the requirement of wearing pants, you think I wouldn’t take it?” Tancio asked before relaxing into his seat and getting ready for class, with only Calvin Klein to thank for the drapery of his bottom half.
The pile of Tancio’s dirty pants in the corner of his childhood bedroom was unavailable for comment.
Whether or not students’ rear-end rights will be revoked when in-person instruction resumes is currently unknown, so students are encouraged to “make like Winnie the Pooh” while they can.
Natalie Kothergirls will be transitioning to pantsless reporting.