Mia Griff / Daily Nexus

Besides contracting COVID-19, you might be wondering what Isla Vista partiers are up to these days: the answer is screwing the empty White Claw cans that are strewn across their apartments.

Deciding to investigate these alleged claims, Nexustentialism found third-year roommates Chad Virgin and Brad Lonely hastily zipping up their khaki shorts and tossing these barely alcoholic beverages out of sight. That didn’t, however, erase the other empty cans decorating the surfaces of their apartment.

After poorly evading the pressing question, “Ever heard of recycling?” Lonely burst out in a mortified yelp, “We fuck ’em, okay? Is that what you want to hear?” Virgin tried — and failed — to inconspicuously remove an unnoticed can from his khakis and proceeded to dump the fluid contents down the kitchen sink, much to Nexustentialism’s horror. “It’s not just us,” Virgin vehemently protested. “My buddy, Thad, got COVID for the third time and has to quarantine. Since no females can ‘visit’ him, he came up with the idea. When Thad shared it with the rest of us, we couldn’t believe that we hadn’t thought of it sooner. We couldn’t be happier — or hornier.”

“It’s a new party game,” Lonely added. “Whoever shags the most gets — well, that’s a surprise.”  Virgin and Lonely shared knowing grins at what said prize might be. “And if you aren’t willing to bang a White Claw, you aren’t invited.”

When asked if using White Claws as a fleshlight hurt, Lonely let out a chuckle, his expression heating as his eyes met an empty White Claw container sitting atop the kitchen counter. “That’s part of the appeal!” Lonely said. Virgin then proceeded to hand Nexustentialism a few White Claws “for the road.”

The White Claws in question were unable to provide any statements at this time.


Baja Blässt doesn’t even like White Claws as a friend, much less as a lover.