- Sexy Dr. Anthony Fauci
Let’s admit it — after months of seeing his exasperated, yet undeniably attractive face on national television, we’ve all developed a collective crush on expert immunologist Dr. Anthony Fauci. There’s just something about his relentless fight for the health of the nation that gets our juices flowing. Now, I’m well aware of Fauci’s anxiety over the exponential spread of COVID-19, especially at “super-spreader” events, such as bars and house parties. However, I’m sure we’d all like to super-spread our legs for our nation’s public health protector. Until we can do so, we can pay homage to Fauci’s service by dressing up as him for Halloween.
Materials Required: dark blue suit jacket with nothing on underneath, navy tie, rectangular wire-frame glasses, National Institutes of Health-branded facial mask and a solemn, yet infinitely calm demeanor.
2. Sexy Sourdough Starter
After social distancing crippled the nation with boredom, baking sourdough bread was the perfect distraction to get millions of Americans out of their mundane routines. For some reason, tons of people with baking experience limited to Easy-Bake Ovens and gritty Betty Crocker cake mix decided to try their hands at one of the most difficult and labor-intensive loaves of bread to make. To make a sourdough starter, you have to ferment your own whole-grain flour and water to make wild yeast. Then, after a couple of days, the starter should resemble a yeasty blob with bubbles in it. Honestly, if I wanted to knead my fingers in a sticky yeast mixture, I’d just booty-call my ex-girlfriend. But I digress. Nevertheless, this food trend has truly brought a nation together in a time of need. Here’s how to dress up as a sexy sourdough starter this coming Halloween.
Materials required: tan crop top, tan booty shorts, knee-high tan boots and small white balloons that serve as “bubbles.” Bonus points if you actually have a yeast infection.
3. Sexy Anti-Masker
They’re dumb! They’re inconsiderate! They’re conspiracy theorists who might literally kill you! In the past couple of months, anti-maskers have really lent a new meaning to the phrase “my body, my choice” by claiming that the right to cough on you in grocery stores counts as individual liberation. The good thing about this costume is that there is so much versatility with the options, ranging from Man Pulling T-Shirt Over Nose and Angry Karen Spit-Shouting In the Produce Aisle. Take your pick — they’re all gonna test positive.
Materials Required: blonde Karen wig, sunglasses, cropped cardigan, flared yoga pants and a mask (not to wear but to angrily brandish at onlookers).
4. Sexy TikTok Star with Little to No Regard for Social Distancing Guidelines
Oh, to be young, beautiful and a viral sensation. Emphasis on the viral. These glamorous teenagers have been living it up in creative incubators called “Content Houses” and throwing glittery mansion parties with 500 of their closest friends, which, as it turns out, is okay if you’re hot and passable at dancing. Nothing says “I’m a great role model for my impressionable fan base” like getting a public reprimand from the mayor of Los Angeles about your germy ragers. As they issue apology after apology and still continue to party night after night, they’re proof that time (or a legion of thirsty 13-year-olds) heals all wounds.
Materials Required: lack of a shirt, washboard abs, dyed black hair, a single silver cross earring dangling from your left ear and several sexual harassment allegations.
Valerie Fu is just bitter that she didn’t get accepted into the Hype House.