ISLA VISTA –– Though the effects of COVID-19 have rippled throughout the UC Santa Barbara community, a niche demographic of the Isla Vista population has undoubtedly faced the brunt of one of the deadliest aspects of the virus that mass media has neglected to cover. One student spoke to Nexustentialism to serve as a voice for a group that has experienced unprecedented hardship.
Local “Ass Man” Barry Ashe has not been able to see a single buttock since Zoom schooling began and is having a hard time coping with the void that nothing seems to fill. “I’m an ass man, always have been always will be.”
While COVID schooling has been good to local “boob guys” — a demographic which is largely made up of tinder fish-holders — and “boob girls,” a considerably cooler group — online education has proved crippling for students like Ashe, who haven’t been able to delight in the bounties the Ass-Lover community usually enjoys from an in-person campus.
“I haven’t seen the bottom half of a person in a whole ass —” at this point in the interview Ashe paused, “Sorry, I’ll compose myself. It’s just a really emotional word for me right now — a whole ass year.”
Ashe stated that he’s tried his best to appreciate the “butt of the chest,” but so far nothing’s come close to the deep crevasse and undeniable bounce of the derriere.
Of course, it’s not just Ass Men experiencing this sobering posterior privation, Ass Women are also scraping the bottom of the barrel of quarantine’s assless hellscape.
“I miss seeing a little action in a pair of Kohl’s jeans some physics guy’s mom bought for them,” said Ass Woman Junkina Trunk. “Or a little bounce of the butt-dough in some 5-inch inseams.” Trunk went on to admit that she’s had to watch playbacks of “that CNN election khaki pants guy” just to satisfy her unquenchable thirst for a little back action.
To help others cope, Junk and Ashe plan to host monthly support groups for Isla Vista ass lovers to express their grief and longing in a safe and supportive space.
“People in our community are going through so much right now,” said Trunk. “It’s so important to help out where you can.” Junk and Ashe noted that the meetings will include talk-spaces where attendees can recount the good ol’ days, as well as a slideshow of notable asses to ease the pain of what Zoom has taken from them.
Nexustentialism’s thoughts and prayers are with the ass loving community, and is hoping the vaccine rollout will allow all asses to assume their rightful place on campus once again.
Emma Demorest is not affiliated with the Ass-Lover community but appreciates their respect for the boobs of the leg.