Sad! Library Chairs Haven’t Felt a Fart in More Than a Year

“What we’re seeing is a lot of chairs kind of shriveling up in the cushion part,” Davidson custodian and chair expert Frank Todd said. “Without the farts, they really lose all the life in them...
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Zoom Schooling Proving Difficult for Local “Ass Lovers”

“I miss seeing a little action in a pair of Kohl’s jeans some physics guy’s mom bought for them,” said Ass Woman Junkina Trunk, who went on to admit that she’s had to watch playbacks of “t...
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Brave! TPS Tirelessly Dishing Out Tickets Amidst Pandemic

“I never once thought about giving up,” third-year and all-around bland man Krac said. “I decided the least I could do was to give UCSB a smidge of normalcy during this tumultuous time.” 
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UCSB Students Looking Forward to the Lockdown Halloween They’re Used To

The I.V. residents Nexustentialism spoke with all seemed to share a unanimous sense of reassurance in knowing that COVID-19 would not be infiltrating the sanctity of this yearly ritual. 
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Dowries, Barn Raises, Making Comeback

Since such things like global pandemics, once thought to be outdated, have come back around, why not revive some highlights of yesteryear while we’re at it!
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Not to Worry! Times May be Changing, But This Professor’s Grading Scale Absolutely Will Not

“I mean, are we facing major, necessary systemic changes as a country? Sure. Do we live our lives differently because of a deadly untreatable virus? Of course. That’s why I think it’s so importa...
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Stats Indicate for First Time in 300 Years, More People Baking Bread Than Having Sex

“I don’t really remember what sex is like at this point,” Laeid said. “So putting my dough in the oven is about as close as I’ll get to seeing anything rise.” 
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TPS Hiring! Only Asks That Applicants Be Scum of Earth

A new job opportunity has opened up for students on campus this week at UCSB’s Transportation and Parking Services. Not just anyone can apply, however. To obtain a position within the department, Tr...
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Oops! Student’s Soul That Left Body During Finals Returns to Econ Professor Gary Marvitz

    Last week marked the last of fall quarter finals for most UCSB students. This proved to be both a blessing and a curse for student Jake Gladstone, whose soul left his body sometime aroun...
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Jack Johnson To Rebrand as “Lil’ Johnson”

  In an effort to keep up with burgeoning young artists like Lil Yachty, Lil Baby and Lil Pump (to name but a few), locally venerated celebrity and big “vibes guy” Jack Johnson informed the p...
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Sad! Local Vegan Won’t Even Eat Own Boogers

Local vegan Ian Greenberg shocked friends and family this week when he admitted that — as a vegan — he abstains from eating his own boogers.  “Like damn man,” said Ian’s close friend, Greg ...
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C.A.P.S. To Ask Students to “Maybe Try To Be Happy, Instead of Sad?”

  With collective pressure on California universities to better student health services, UCSB’s Counseling and Psychological Services program has launched a groundbreaking “See the Sunny Side...
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A Brief History of Storke Tower

As many are aware, the idea behind Storke Tower came as a fever dream that then-chancellor Conrad H. Hornbreau had while fighting what would ultimately become a fatal bout of dysentery. Initially disi...
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Oops! Barefoot Granola Girl Gets Broken Glass in Toe While Walking in I.V.

  Medics were called early this week to the aid of third-year Gabby Trinkino, whose bloodied foot was hard to ignore by many who passed her by on Pardall.  Trinkino, an environmental studies maj...
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Breaking News: Freshman Girl to Have Fairy Lights, Photo of Boyfriend

The photo in question, which Romero will point to when referencing her boyfriend and telling new roommates and friends that she already has one, will be a printed photo from Snapchat.
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