ISLA VISTA — Just as the small county of Santa Barbara gained the title of having the highest COVID-19 spread of any county in California — making you wonder what institution there has the capacity to mess things up that fucking bad — one ex-partygoer from UCSB has decided to speak out about how their new skill of having compassion for others has changed their life (said ex-partygoer prefers to remain anonymous due to security reasons). “People are so much nicer to me now that I’ve realized their lives have importance,” they said after agreeing to a COVID-safe interview.
Facing the difficult decision between partying and permanently destroying another person’s life has been a daily struggle for this ex-partygoer. But now that they take pride in being a decent person, they say they’re never going back to life with the COVID partiers. They also mentioned that being around the partiers for too long had detrimental effects on their IQ. According to our sources, partiers are unable to spell difficult words like “vaccination” or “empathy,” and they can’t differentiate between “your” and “you’re,” which should have been a requirement on the UC application. We at Nexustentialism didn’t think that a 29.6% acceptance rate was really that high.
This ex-partygoer now spends their time social distancing and is no longer gaslighting people. They also take part in making fun of current COVID partygoers, laughing and pointing at how stupid they are with other Gauchos before their moods are quickly darkened by the reminder of current soaring COVID rates in I.V. This ex-partygoer wishes that somehow the skill of having compassion for others could be passed onto those inconsiderate assholes, but worries whether they would ever be intellectually capable of making such a big commitment.
“I came to UCSB for the parties, but for the first time, I’m realizing that my actions can affect others, especially people most at risk for COVID,” the ex-partygoer said somberly. “By not going to parties, I feel like I’m actually contributing toward the safety of the community around me; I’m not just some parasite leeching off of an opportunity to drink by the beach.”
Kathleen Santacruz thinks that some bullying is OK in the case of people who throw “vaxination” parties.
LMFAOOO THE ROAST