ISLA VISTA, CALIF. — As our sleepy little college town prepares for a fun-filled Halloween weekend, we eagerly count off the days until we can see our favorite hallmarks of this spooky season. Sexy cop cosplayers and their not-so-sexy counterparts, blacked-out Jason sleeping on the hood of a car, trembling balconies on their last legs — notwithstanding the reputable exuberance that Halloweekend offers, one Isla Vista resident admits that she has something else entirely on her mind: horses.
Perhaps the only fan of Isla Vista’s horse-mounted officers, UCSB’s own horse girl, Filly Gelding, revels in anticipation to hear the clip-clop of hooves against the pavement each year, a subdued Halloween alternative that rivals the energy (or lack thereof) of RHA’s After Dark social programming events.
“It’s mine own favoriteth part of the year!” Gelding exclaimed. “I loveth the knights of Isla Vista — the horses, I mean. I fain feedeth the horses carrots and to hear their littleth neighs and nickers.”
When asked about the more conventional UCSB Halloween festivities, Gelding confessed that she absolutely despises them.
“I doth naught approveth nor partaketh in the donning of the provocativeth garb yond theseth peasants bear; ’tis a mockery of our holy father, if I dare say so myself! I doth naught wend to the parties either; thoseth art far too fervent for a feeble-bodied girl such as myself. I recall backeth in mine own younger days as a freshman long ago, in which I attended such a blasphemous gathering by misfortune, and I was offered spirits as an imp! Outrageous! I knew then yond Godes presenceth is naught welcom’d by such deplorableth beings.”
While Gelding may not be the life of the party (or any social gathering, for that matter), this Nexustentialism reporter is slightly reassured to find a kindred recluse at the Harvard of party schools.
H.L. Adams hungrily awaits the post-Halloween candy sales.
A version of this article appeared on p. 12 of the Oct. 28, 2021 print edition of the Daily Nexus.