Kissy kissy Gauchos! This Valentine’s Day, I’m sure many of us are sad about not having a special someone to spend the day with. Not me though. But for the rest of you losers — don’t worry! Our very own little Cupid, Chancellor Yang, is cooking up something amazing for anyone who has no game but still wants to enjoy Valentine’s Day.

This upcoming Monday, while many of us will be out and about on campus, Yang reported that he will be acting as a matchmaker. Sporting a diaper and Cupid’s iconic bow and arrow, Yang intends to walk amongst us, looking for two kids he can totally ship together. With his amazing sense of smell, he can easily tell who’s in desperate need of maybe a hug, or even having their hand held. Don’t be alarmed if our little Cupid sniffs you this Monday! It’s all a part of his process.

Once he finally finds two scents that are fitting, he will drag the students next to one another and begin to break out into a little jig. 

“KISS! KISS! KISS!” he’ll chant, waiting for the two students to pucker up and make their V-day a memorable one. 

After the students share a sweet and tender kiss, they’ll immediately be wed, with Chancellor Cupid as the officiant. Should the students ever decide to get a divorce or nullify their marriage, Yang will cry, like, a lot. After the ceremony, Yang will skip along, sniffing out his next couple. 

So, if you are feeling upset or disappointed about what you’re missing this upcoming Valentine’s Day, make sure you find your way to the matchmaker. Our beloved Cupid will surely make hearts swell this Feb. 14. Maybe, if you are lucky, you’ll be sniffed and deemed worthy of a little smooch! 

Fart Tents loves you. 

A version of this article appeared on p. 9 of the Feb. 10, 2022 print edition of the Daily Nexus.