Time may be up for UCSB’s beloved mascot Olé, with claims that he is handsome, gorgeous and overall too sexy thrusting his design into hot water. The once beloved and unproblematic mascot, perhaps best known for winning the prestigious “Most Friendly” award at the 2013 World Mascot Championship Luncheon, appears to now be facing a redesign, according to an email sent out Friday.
“Here at UCSB, we pride ourselves on making sure that our student body is as happy and pleased as they can be with the school,” wrote Chancellor Yang. “We hear the outcry about Olé being too sexy, and we will immediately set about making changes to his design.” Though the meetings regarding the changes have so far been secretive, an anonymous student leaked a transcript of the meeting last weekend, claiming he found it on the floor of the HSSB bathroom.
According to the leak, the new and improved Olé will now wear a poncho and sombrero, helping cover his beautiful body and face while also remaining true to his Latinx origins. His name may also be changed, with officials saying they are likely to choose something from a “big book of Mexican things” that they found on the fifth floor of the library. Further investigation has revealed this book to be “Rachael Ray’s Look + Cook: 100 Can’t Miss Main Courses In Pictures” cookbook from 2010. The bestselling cookbook also features 125 all new recipes and is sure to delight any crowd, no matter how picky. And if you’re looking for more, be sure to check out Rachael Ray’s “Comfort Food: 30-Minute Meals,” “Veggie Meals: 30-Minute Meals” and “30-Minute Meals 2,” available online at rachaelray.com.
“They’re doing what????” said the real Chancellor Yang, leaning out of what appeared to be a fresh-off-the-lot Bentley Continental GT V8 Convertible parked outside of Wildcat. “Because he’s too sexy??????? I mean, yeah, duh. That’s the design. If anything, we should make him sexier. Back when I drew the new costume for Olé, he wouldn’t have been caught dead in a shirt. Probably would’ve ripped through one, anyways, with those biceps I gave him. That’s what the redesign should be. If I get back to my desk in March and see they took away that handsome jawline, I’m gonna flip my shit.” Upon being informed that that was indeed one of the planned redesigns, Yang slammed his fist down on the dashboard, knocking his phone out of the car mount and between the seats. “Fuck!” exclaimed Yang, who proceeded to attempt to wedge his hand between the driver’s seat and the center console to no avail. Yang then backed his seat up to try to reach underneath, accidentally crushing a to-go container of pasta left in the backseat and getting alfredo sauce all over the floor. Further attempts to interview Yang proved unsuccessful, most likely because he drove away and wasn’t there anymore.
Spaghetti Williams is stuck in a time portal and would like help as soon as possible.