Sierra Vakili / Daily Nexus

My badge is sage green. There, I said it. I know you’re wondering why my badge is a beautiful shade of green while yours is still the color of toxic goo in cartoons. Well, the answer is quite simple: I am gay. This is my story.

Upon returning to in-person school, health badges were a new concept to me — a fun new accessory! When I first logged into my health portal to check out how I could customize my badge, I was horrified to see there were no customization options. 

If you are unfamiliar with gay people — especially queer, Gemini women like myself — then you might not know how obsessed we are with customizing, decorating and expressing ourselves for the entire world to see. I need you to know that I am better than you and experiencing life at a far deeper level than you could ever even begin to imagine. One of the ways I’ve started to do that is through making sure every part of my life falls perfectly into an aesthetically pleasing color palette. 

The absolutely horrendous neon green that the rest of your health badges have is literally giving a green screen. Trust me, that’s not something you want to be giving. It is literally blinding! Get that shit out of my face.

Anyways, I wasn’t going to sit around and let an ugly color into my daily life on purpose. I talked to a couple higher-ups to express how the lack of customization felt almost oppressive for my self expression as a gay woman, and they hauled ass to get me a new color. They offered me mint green at first; as fucking if! I chose sage green in the end —  a gentle, cute, slay color. 

Sorry that your badge will keep being ugly. If you’re straight, consider looking at the green booger on your screen as a reminder to not be homophobic. If you’re gay, get off your ass and get your color changed so that other gays will easilty be able to to spot you and judge your outfit. Regardless, I’ll see your sorry asses in the dining hall! 

Fart Tent knows you are jealous of her.