SPOILER ALERT, DUMBASS.
On Thursday night, I went to see the new Avatar movie, not because I wanted to, but because I was given a free ticket, and I will take any moment out of my parents’ home that I can this holiday season. I, just like you, don’t remember jack shit from the first movie. Here is my very important review.
I had a plethora of opinions during this movie, considering that it’s apparently going to be an eight-movie-long-franchise??? I’ll start with the elephant in the room: Why the fuck is it three hours long? I’m not even playing with you, I was looking to my left and everyone was crying. Not because the movie was emotional, but because they had to pee that badly. We really sat and watched them go splish splash in water for three hours with no pee break. There is absolutely no logic behind this, unless James Cameron has a piss kink, maybe? He must be a masochist.
Moving on from that fuckery, I have seen zero reviews (and I read one!) that mention Spider. Was this little man in the first movie and I just don’t remember him? Or are we all seeing the same thing here? “Oh by the way, there’s a lil Tarzan-human living here too lol. Moving on.” I don’t get it. Maybe it’s a me problem. Granted, I am not a film major, so maybe my opinion on this is uneducated and invalid; maybe child dumping into other worlds is totally fine! All I know is I felt like I had witnessed a Pandora Child Protective Services case.
Additionally, why was Vin Diesel in it for like two minutes? He didn’t even speak. How much of the budget was having him sit there, to then blow up? Bullshit! Enough said.
And now, for my biggest problem with the movie: I thought we all agreed in 2009 that the braid thing was hair sex. We all said that. You can’t even deny you didn’t call it hair sex. Now, I’m no mathematician, but if that is hair sex, then I just watched so much beastiality. And plantiality. If that’s a word. I don’t know, they were fucking the plants. They were fucking the plants, and they were fucking the whale thingies, and I did not come to my humble hometown theatre on this holiday to disobey the Lord and watch porn on the big screen with a group. If I wanted that, I’d take SOC 152A.
In conclusion, if you enjoy watersports, go watch “Avatar 2: Splishin’ Splashin’.” If you enjoy child neglect, go watch “Avatar 2: Where Do They Pee and Poop From?” If you enjoy alien porn, go watch “Avatar 2: Electric Boogaloo.” But if you love yourself, just wait until they add it to Disney+ so you can pause to piss and rewind to watch Vin Diesel explode like 10 times. Hope this was useful for you, dear reader. (I already know it was.)
Stinkeigh Laydee wants to pee in James Cameron’s mouth ;)