Kathleen Santacruz / Daily Nexus

“Bang! It was that loud, but like, times a trillion!” third-year Isla Vista resident Nate Bingo recalled. “I thought we got nuked or something.”

Over the weekend, an eardrum-shattering boom rocked the Isla Vista area. Glass objects from beer bottles to bongs burst into pieces, a cacophony of car alarms flooded the streets and thousands were sent into a confused panic. Eventually, a community investigation uncovered the source of the blast: a Snag employee and their electric scooter had broken the sound barrier.

“Speed. I am speed,” freshman Snag Rider Molly Sahwdust said. “42 bitters. 42 boozers. I eat boozers for breakfast.”

At the time, Sahwdust didn’t even know she was traveling faster than the speed of sound. To her, it was just another delivery to the 68 block of Del Playa Drive. However, in the blink of an eye, she was roaring down DP at an unfathomable velocity and made the delivery in a record-setting three seconds. Remarkable!

“That’s why I love Snag!” Bingo exclaimed. “I whip out the app and beep boop beep, a sweaty, pimple-faced freshman shows up at my doorstep with my bottle of Jose Cuervo and Tums. 21st-century living, baby!”

It is 21st-century living, indeed. Given our gimmick-filled society, of course, Snag was going to be popular. Minimalist graphic design? Check. Monosyllabic brand name? Check. Provides no marked improvement to our lives? Check. So, really, it’s no surprise that we’re always jumping out of the way for speeding squads of scootering Snag soldiers.

“Us Snag Riders gotta go fast. Really fast. Why? It’s our duty. We are obligated to honor the Snag code,” Sahwdust explained. “10-11 minute delivery and not a second more.”

“A brand is only as good as its ability to deliver. And, in Snag’s case, we quite literally do the ‘delivering’,” she continued. “A promise is a promise. Rain or shine, day or night, it doesn’t matter. I will deliver your vape kit if it’s the last thing I do.”

Thankfully, outside of a few broken windows, Sahwdust’s sonic boom caused no major injuries to the residents of Isla Vista. However, she now finds herself in hot water, as she is being investigated for corporate espionage after selling company secrets to Duffl.

Osbert Squelch wishes to be pulling G’s of a different kind.