Sierra Vakili / Daily Nexus

On my hunt to find a new smoke spot, I veered off the gravel path and into uncharted territory. I had hoped for a nice place to sit, a good view and hopefully some raccoons to hold my clammy little hands as I ventured further into the bushes, when I suddenly realized how dark it had become. When I looked back towards the path, I found my way blocked by a huge billboard advertising Gauchobucks that seemed to materialize out of nowhere. I pushed against it, but it wouldn’t budge. I began to worry: what if I never made it back, or worse, what if my last meal was from DLG? When I turned around again, I was at the edge of a clearing that hosted a quaint little cottage, with purple smoke coming from the chimney. 

When I approached the little wooden door, it suddenly swung open, and I was face-to-face with an old man in a purple cloak and a pointy purple wizard’s hat. He first tooted, then laughed with joy upon seeing me and motioned for me to follow him inside. 

“Looking for a place to smoke, eh? Awfully dangerous to walk off the main path, especially late at night with those headphones blasting Mac Demarco. I can offer you something to keep you safe, but it will come at a price.”

When I nodded in agreement, he quickly got to work. He poured a bucket of water into a cauldron and then started mixing the ingredients: three of his own hairs, a faked tax stub, a car accident police report, an eyeball and a fuck ton of weed. As he stirred, the pot bubbled blue, then orange, before it finally settled into a sparkly gold color, which he then poured into a shot glass and threw the hell back. Lastly, he asked for the locket I was wearing to finish the spell. When I dropped it in his hands, he jumped up and clicked his feet together and his body rapidly twirled into itself and down into my locket. 

The locket sat there, looking the way it always had. But, when I picked it up, I could hear the wizard’s voice in my head. 

“Go forth! Let’s smoke that dope za — or whatever the kids say.” 

Now, I live everyday with the wizard in my locket. He guides me in many ways — he’s helped me do well in class (he stole the answer sheet to my tests), he helps me drive (keeps running over people) and he always encourages me to rob other students. Many of my friends have told me I’m becoming cruel or unrecognizable, but they just wouldn’t understand the bond that me and my locket have. I won’t let them take him from me. 

This is a true story, Gauchos. The wizard was kind and gracious to save me that day. Do not stray from the beaten path when you walk around campus… the wizard will no longer be there to protect you.


Fart Tent got a little too high next to Chancellor Yang’s house.