Fart Tent / Daily Nexus

The cobblestone streets and unce-unce-uncing of European nightlife calls to you from across the pond, your name a whisper on their ancient, pretentious lips. What will happen when you cannot answer because you have a better chance of getting to Europe via butterfly stroke across the Atlantic than by buying a roundtrip ticket? Every day you go on Instagram. And every day you open it to see new pictures of someone else you kind-of-know who has made their pilgrimage to the colonizer homeland, devoting themselves to their European summer. 

Fuck having an original thought! You have never been so desperate to don a white, flowy skirt and shove a baguette down your throat. You, too, crave the experience of heading back to the Airbnb and projectile vomiting in an alleyway that Michaelangelo could have walked down. Instead, last week you went to the residential pond behind your house and tried to pretend that it was Lake Como before a goose tried to eat you. The nausea that you get from being on TikTok for 15 hours every day is the nausea you wish was from a 15 hour flight to Spain. You would definitely put the Spanish you learned in high school three years ago to better use than Kevin who is in Spain, and uses Duolingo.  

Was there some kind of Groupon? A Costco pack of tickets to Europe’s most beautiful cities? Did you miss something? Would things have been different if you had stayed in one or two more group chats with people you met freshman year? Are you bound to be nothing more than a common peasant, destined to never feel the sea breeze of the Amalfi coast on your perfectly tanned skin, Italian wine seeping out of your pores? The girl you sat next to in Greek mythology isn’t even visiting Greece! She’s in Paris! Where can she put her university education to use there? Do the French even have a God? Even the professor you hate who usually sits at home, hates children and does nothing is there! He’s on sabbatical.


Meel F. Lover would like to make an exception to the title “Everyone is in Europe this summer except for you” for Valerie, who is in Japan.