Fart Tent / Daily Nexus

As I walk through the bitter cold of Isla Vista, I wrap my robes tighter around me. My ship broke down this morning after I narrowly escaped yet another run in with the Empire. This has to be the worst place I’ve ever been stranded. The weather reminds me of Kamino, although it’s been so long since I’ve visited there. I suppose we should be grateful it doesn’t rain nearly as much. 

It has been a long day of battle, and after landing my ship, I found myself alone, hungry and tired. With no other choice, I was forced to venture out into the streets. Now, surrounded by a planet seemingly only inhabited by humans, I find myself missing my homeworld, Coruscant, where I grew up around so many different species. Luckily, after my difficult battle with the Empire, I came across local traders on the street advertising a plant that could supposedly lift my spirits and calm me down. I followed them into their intergalactic trading center, called Farmacy. I have the plant with me now, and using my lightsaber, I’m able to light it and start smoking in the purple glow of my saber. Fuck yes.

I didn’t plan to be stuck in one place for too long. I didn’t pack nearly enough food. My current venture will hopefully take me back to a restaurant I visited earlier in the day when I first scouted the area. The upbeat music it played in the courtyard was unlike any music I had ever heard before, and the smell inside was even more surprisingly pleasant. Now, upon returning, there are many people who seem to have spent their night drinking. The line in front of me is daunting. 

“Excuse me,” I say, waving my hand in front of the red-faced white man in front of me in line. “These are not the wings you are searching for.”

He stares at me blankly before repeating, “These are not the wings I’m looking for,” and exiting the store.

The employee nods in recognition as I step up to order, given we had the same exchange just a couple hours before. I drop several credits into his hand and ask for Lemon Pepper boneless wings, fries and a soda, and then I leave with a comically large brown paper bag with numerous grease stains even though they just gave it to me. 

As I begin the return to my ship, I let the cool breeze wash over me, grateful for the delicacies around the galaxy that are making my night so beautiful. When I finally open the bag, I let the Force guide the first bite into my mouth, and I feel the power of the light as all the Jedi before me flow through my body. 

May the Force be with you tonight as well and allow you to reach the stars as I have, both literally and figuratively.


Fart Tent spent $300 on a Disneyland lightsaber.