Valerie Fu / The Daily Nexus

Your Friday started off mostly normal — just the end of another slow dredge through the week culminating in plans to finally go out with your friend Friday night. But you were confused when he (with the sweet, cherubic innocence of a guy who’s never been humiliated at an India Cash & Carry) invited you over for an early dinner at 5 p.m. It suddenly became clear to you, however, when he pulled out his party-going polo shirt and his Owl City getting-ready mix.

“Jared, what the hell is this?” You asked, horrified. 

“Well,” he explained with a pointed look at you, “If I tell you to come at 5 you get here at 5:30 — ” (which is totally unfair, since you were there before 5:20!) “ — then after dinner, we’ll start our pregame at 7 and leave at 8, assuming it takes us about 30 minutes to reach DP. Of course, I might be overestimating, but better safe than sorry!” he said with a cheeky grin. 

“Jared, this is insane,” you countered, like a reasonable person. “Who would show up to a party that early?”

In response, Jared simply said, “Early is on time, on time is late, and late is- ” and at this point he started to make a gurgling noise as if he had been possessed and you couldn’t hear the rest. 

When you arrived at the party just after sunset, you were at a loss for what he expected you to do for like, two fucking hours before people even start showing up. Jared, like what the fuck? 

“Not to worry, I came prepared,” he assured you, pulling out his phone to do the Wordle. “I’m not gonna lose my streak! What should my first guess be? ‘Audio’ or ‘Adieu’?”

Once that form of entertainment was exhausted and his 147 day streak was satisfied, he pulled out the “New York Times” mini crossword puzzle. 

“No Jared,” you yelled over the lack of crowd when he asked. “I don’t know a four letter word for the heaviest flying bird in North America, and frankly, I’m surprised you think I have enough presence of mind for this conversation right now.”

Before he could pull out more word games on his phone, the DJ took pity on you and the music started up. Though you can’t always count on Jared to be the best dancer, you can always count on him to bring the energy. And you know you never wanna do the “bum bum bum” in “Sweet Caroline” alone.


Jane Error is never late, nor is she early. She arrives precisely when she means to.