Faith Talamantez / The Daily Stench

Visiting father Ken Williams, father of Elise Williams, fell victim to UC Santa Barbara’s epidemic of aggressive speedwalkers during this past Parents & Family Weekend. 

What was supposed to be a fun weekend with his daughter quickly turned into a nightmare for Ken Williams after a harrowing experience in the University Center. 

“My daughter and I were walking out of the bookstore when it happened,” Ken Williams said, recounting the moment his weekend took a turn for the worst. “I was looking in the bag for the UCSB-branded golf rag I’d just bought, and by the time I looked up, there was some guy speeding towards me.” 

It was around 12:30 p.m. at the time of the incident, so Ken Williams understood the university’s lunch rush was in full swing. 

“So I stepped left to get out of his way, but he did the same. I went right, so did he,” Ken Williams said. He then claimed he was “all out pump faked” by the speedwalker, causing him to stumble and “land on my ass like a nimrod.” The speedwalker then fled the scene within mere seconds. Fortunately, the proud UCSB father came out unscathed. 

First-year biology major Elise Williams admitted she was very embarrassed by the incident. 

“I feel bad for my dad, but like, why’d he do all that.” 

According to her statement, nearby witnesses laughed at Ken William’s ankle-breaking moment and recall hearing the phrase, “he needs some milk” slip from a passerby’s mouth. “But honestly, if you’re hustling that fast in the UCen, you are the problem,” Elise Williams declared. However, an anonymous source says the speedwalker had just eaten one too many slices of De La Guerra Dining Commons’ chorizo pizza (one slice) and was hastily looking for a single-stall bathroom to occupy until the situation was diffused. 

Luckily for the father-daughter duo, they were able to leave this incident behind and rip lines of coke with each other at the Santa Barbara Snow Club dayger the following day. Ken Williams is looking forward to visiting again, but next time, he’ll bring his basketball shoes. 

Chase N. Status would never bring his parents to the hole of depravity that is UCSB.