iOlé, Gauchos! UC Santa Barbara, despite its vaguely racist mascot while being a Hispanic Serving Institution, has long been known for having a large population of Latinx students, making Hispanic Heritage Month an especially exciting time. Starting from Sept. 15, third-year Emma Gonzalez has opted to eat the rest of you the fuck up until the month ends on Oct. 15.
“I really don’t understand why it’s divided between two months,” says Gonzalez, “Like, you even need a border to separate our MONTH? Anyway, yeah, I’m dressing this month to bring that Latinx presence to campus.”
Everyday, Gonzalez wakes up at 8 a.m. to start constructing their image for the day. Every night they pick out an outfit that many could only put together if they had a prophetic vision. After putting on makeup, they get dressed, do their hair and read several pages of Gloria Anzaldúa to really get in the correct headspace for the day. Immediately upon leaving their house, a ray of sun hits them directly, creating a consistent spotlight to ensure that they will be seen clearly all day.
“A lot of you let your outfits wear you. Bitch, I am wearing my outfits!!! This is what it actually means to be a ‘Hispanic Serving Institution’!” said Gonzalez, walking onto campus.
Throughout the day, Gonzalez simply smiles and waves as crowds gather to take pictures for their pinterest boards, in awe of pure beauty. Many follow them across campus in an effort to become popular by association, but all have failed. Gonzalez has become not only a campus celebrity, but also a campus Saint, as students have been spotted praying to Gonzalez in the hopes of improving their own sense of style. The Daily Stench is working to have Emma officially canonized soon.
Hopefully, by the end of this month every student at UCSB will have been blessed by the sight of Emma Gonzalez’s unending style and charm. If not, they plan to continue to serve cunt for the remainder of the year anyways, because in their words, “Hispanics are always serving!”
Faith Talamantez has actually been known to serve Hispanic. If you know you know.