The Academy Awards came around and, just like every year, people saw them. You might not have but, thankfully, I did, and I’m here to tell you the best moments.
- Emily Blunt unhinging her jaw like a snake and eating a seat filler.
Blunt surprised everyone during her acceptance speech when she paused halfway through, walked into the audience, unhinged her jaw and swallowed a seat filler whole. What a wholesome gal!
- A flock of murderous crows and ravens attacking Robert De Niro.
It was absolutely heartwarming to see crows and ravens put their differences aside to fight their true enemy: Robert de Niro. They attacked De Niro ruthlessly, mercilessly and without hesitation. Thankfully, De Niro came prepared and whipped out his sword. There wasn’t a dry eye in the house as fury and feathers filled the stage!
- Charlie Chaplin walking onto the stage.
A tear was in every throat and a lump was in every eye when Chaplin suddenly walked out from behind a curtain to make his grand re-entrance to the living. The crowd grew silent as he spoke, “You thought I was dead motherfuckers? Nah, I was just working on my latest masterpiece!” Chaplin then proceeded to enact a five-act story about a handless barber with him playing all of the characters, stopping only after the President ordered the FBI to taser him and drag him to a dark dungeon beneath the earth. Truly an inspiration to every human being alive!
- Martin Scorsese winning eight awards and feeding them all to a horse.
As a reward for being the greatest filmmaker ever, the academy bequeathed Scorsese with eight golden statues. However, as part of a beautiful artistic piece, Scorsese jammed every last one of those golden statues into the maw of a horse. The name of the horse is unknown, but many theorize it could be Lanzlo, Everett or Horse. What an artistic statement!
- Emma Stone saying all of the nation’s capitals.
It was beautiful. In a testament to her love for America, Stone said all 50 capitals of all 50 states during her acceptance speech. She forgot Bismarck and Albany, but no human being is perfect. Truly mesmerizing!
Benjamin Epstein loves reflecting on the best moments from one of the best nights of one of the best years.
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