The Associated Students Senate elections closed with a bang last Friday, and not in the way you’d expect. A paramilitary group, armed with nunchucks and BuzzBallz, stormed Corwin Pavilion during a meeting of the Senate, quickly seizing control of the proceedings. As the insurgency swept across the chamber, Off-Campus Senator Eric Shun took center stage, flanked by two guards.

 “It’s time for the Associated Students government to finally represent the people,” he stated in a speech that was immediately streamed live on his Instagram, @lilericshun. “So from now on, I am declaring myself supreme leader of the new Associated Students’ Totalitarian Dictatorship.” 

The military group, which numbered in the dozens, has now been converted into the official Associated Students’ Totalitarian Dictatorship (A.S.T.D.) Police Force. It’s unclear how former Senator Shun was able to recruit it, but one Gaucho, who insisted on the pseudonym “Tanner” to maintain anonymity, told Nexustentialism his theory.

“I’m actually really glad this whole military coup thing happened,” Tanner said. “Before this, I never knew what the Senate was doing with our $16 million. Now I realize their year of inaction and incompetence was only because Eric had spent the whole budget on a private, well-trained militia.”

Reporters from Nexustentialism took to the streets, risking their lives in order to interview students about the new change. All identities given have been changed to preserve anonymity. Fourth-year chemistry major “Sadie” was hopeful about the new regime. “Maybe with direct military intervention, we’ll actually be able to solve the housing crisis,” she said.

Other students were more worried about the authoritarian overtones of the newly declared military state. “Eric said he would have any dissenters thrown into the lagoon or forced to work at DLG,” said second-year communications major “Jake.” “That terrifies me.”

The policies of the A.S.T.D., which Shun laid out in an official statement yesterday, are indeed a stark change from the days of the Senate. They include requiring you to pay at the Arbor, bringing back Munger Hall and banning the use of all words that rhyme with “Valentine.” But third-year political science major “Stella” wanted to reassure us that it’s not as bad as it seems. “If this is too frightening, just remember that you can always just do what you did in the past and forget that student government exists.”

Even as this new regime threatens the freedom of the student press, Nexustentialism is committed to maintain the publication of the unvarnished truth at all costs. We will continue to report on the situation as new facts emerge.

Gurbanguly Berdimuhamedow has A.S.T.D.