Let’s set the scene: the smell of newly illegal substances in the air, a smooth bass groove playing in the background and discussion of women’s liberation abound as men with huge afros and unbuttoned collared shirts with floral patterns sit around a table discussing how to make the urinals in Physical Sciences North as palatable as possible. The result? A standard set of urinals, with nice 70’s style tiling lining the walls. UCSB’s most standard urinals offer an enjoyable, unmemorable urinary experience. One must wonder why there is not shaggy carpet lining the floors around the urinals to complete the aesthetic. If a barefoot student cannot dig his toes and feel a squelch while using a urinal, has the designer succeeded, even if it is functional? In spite of this obvious oversight, these latrines present the standard male bathroom experience, and for many students, an unremarkable restroom trip is what constitutes a good one. 7/10

This one’s for the thinkers and dreamers. The ones with big imaginations who can’t stop thinking about urinals. What are these layers? Is it an onion, an ogre? Are they triple chins? Buzz Lightyear’s helmet? Are they molting? My current theory is that they are a defense mechanism. Like a lizard sheds its tail, these urinals eject the top layer of their bowl upon imminent danger. But since the retreat of devious lick kids, urinals have no natural predators. Ultimately, the true purpose of its design continues to elude me. I recommend more unconventional experiments to uncover this. I guess you could always just shit in it. 8/10

Sleek, elegant, refined. Those are all words that I would not use for this bathroom. Rather, this efficient, high-capissity waste chamber looks like it was created to handle a drunken ballpark, not Girvetz Hall. Minimal urinal-to-urinal distance, absence of flush handles and even an ergonomic ball shelf cultivate the ideal hammered experience. I would never condone drinking on campus, but rest easy knowing UC Santa Barbara is looking out for you if ever find yourself with a full bladder and a 15 Blood Alcohol Content (BAC) after a rough, rough midterm. If you are not alone, feel free to hold hands to trigger the secret room hidden in the far wall. 9/10 (minus a point for no beer shelf)

Knock knock, who’s there? Somebody’s stuck in the stall because you just haaad to take a piss. You’re stuck with two options: waddle forward mid-piss or stand your ground and let the stall-dweller sit, contemplating the true depravity of shitting in a public toilet. Both options have their downsides. Waddling forward decreases accuracy, and a closer proximity to the urinal/wall runs the risk of splattering piss back onto yourself. Standing your ground also has its risks. Stage fright can set in and increase the time it takes to piss, and it could even upset the person waiting. The last thing you want is for them to lose patience and slam the door open (while you’re defenseless), knocking you over and leaving you to suffer in a puddle of your own creation. Needless to say, this urinal is not for the faint of heart. Tread lightly. 3/10

Have you ever wondered what the cuck chair of urinals looks like? Well look no further than the Materials Research Laboratory’s premier spot, complete with a “wet floor” sign, to prevent the user from getting too comfortable. Located right next to the lab showers, the elongated shape of the urinal fits nicely between one’s legs to offer them a warm yet unsettling sensation, helping their flow and providing some minimal privacy. The pissoir causes the user to be totally unaware of their surroundings, facing into a corner surrounded on three sides by walls, thus making them susceptible to (not so) subtle mockery by their peers. 9/10

Any urinal review would be incomplete without the inclusion of the Buchanan Hall urinals with their iconic underbites. Countless students have pissed here and countless more students have wondered why they chose this shape for the urinals. The Jay Leno of urinals. Their sleek and aerodynamic form created an optimal structure for an efficient piss, tempting brave bathroom goers to test their range. Suffers from a lack of dividers, but all in all a nice place to go before showing up late to your introductory political science course. 7/10 (would be a lot cooler with some modern art to fill the empty walls)

Ever since the Catholic Church began performing baptisms in this very bowl in 1955, students and faculty at the Marine Biotech Lab have wanted to use it as an indoor outhouse. Under the reform-minded Pope Francis, they finally got their wish. The results were wondrous: women and children cheered in the streets, men wept and held each other, dogs and cats lived together and Marine Biotech researchers rejoiced by using their new urinal until the rivers flowed yellow. Once the commotion settled down, the urinal ceased being known by the general populace but is still appreciated by the researchers. They understand how the calming ocean colors put the user at ease, how the wide bowl shape takes one’s eyes of aiming  and how the spout between the legs captures every last drop. Its only flaw lies in its unsightly divider, which ought to be removed completely, allowing the room’s theme to shine through as the breeze wafts the men gently while they use it. 8/10

Aww, pissing all alone little boy? No, you’re with your bro! Picture this: it’s a warm summer day, you’re playing frisbee with your best bud on the Chem Lawn when those Capri Suns you had start to hit and you both need to take a leak. Do you go one at a time, holding your head in shame as you are totally alone? Or do you walk to the Chemistry Building hand-in-hand, heads held high as you partake in a cooperative urination session that will bring you closer than ever before. As you’re almost finished, and looking into each other’s eyes as a single tear rolls down your friend’s cheek, you’ll know that you made the right decision relieving yourselves in the Chemistry Building’s buddy urinals. 4/10

You know it, I know it, we all know it: the fourth floor of [REDACTED] hall is UCSB’s premier bathroom spot, and it knows it. Long thought to be mythical, Marcus T.C. and Pubelius, the Nexus’ finest reporters, found it after several months of trekking over river, forest and hill. Once the vines were cut back from the doorway, we found a quaint bathroom with a good sturdy door and lots of space to spread out in, for the whole room and the beautiful view are your kingdom once you sit on the porcelain throne. The crackable window provides numerous advantages, be it simply feeling the breeze on a warm day or airing out, and the full sink and mirror allow total freedom in what the user wishes to do after their bathroom experience. It may be well known, but this bathroom is worth the hype, and we felt we must include it, despite its dubious categorization as a urinal. 10/10

Bored with crossing streams, Marcus T.C. and Pubelius are currently experimenting with double-decker shitting.