Faith Talamantez / The Daily Nexus

Ladies and gentleman, the poll data is in. Young college students, some of them UC Santa Barbara’s very own, contributed to Donald Trump’s reelection. The reason: Trumpkin Spice Lattes. Yes, you heard that right, Trumpkin Spice Lattes, the Republican Club’s recruitment strategy, proved successful. 

In the days leading up to the election, many students reported seeing the Republican Club tabling and advertising their newest creation, an aggressively orange-colored beverage, which had many students intrigued. 

Chelsea Cummings, a first year communication major, remembers her encounter. 

“When I sipped it, I got notes of cinnamon and narcissism, a combination that was initially off putting, but the less I thought of it, the more appealing. I soon found myself entering the polling booth, and my vote was cast under the spell of my Trumpkin Spice Latte,” Cummings said.

John Cartwright Brown III, a fourth year economics major, shares a similar story.

“My first sip, I got hints of corruption and fraud, but my taste buds were here for it. Honestly, I was a little on the fence about whom I should vote for, but this beverage really made the decision for me,” Brown said.

Bethany Perkins, a third year dance major also weighed in.

“I personally thought it tasted feloniously sour, but it was so smooth, it was criminal. I forgot about the allegations, the investigations, the scandal — all I could think about was my Trumpkin Spice Latte,” Perkins said.

Many think it was Joe Rogan’s influence which really turned the tide of this historical election, but this reporter thinks Trump should be thanking his new cadre of coffee mixologists.

Democrats are furiously trying to formulate the perfect Gavinchino in preparation for the 2028 presidential election, but the results of their experimentation have run massively over budget with little to show for it. Stay tuned for more. 

Serrano Ham is just grateful she does not drink caffeine or Kool-Aid.