Recently Fired RAs Say It’s Fine, Didn’t Need Anywhere To Live Anyway

“Sure I don’t ‘have walls,’ and maybe I don’t ‘get to be dry’ all the time,” Lopez said, while speaking from the half inflated raft she’s been living in off the coast of Devereux. ...
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Student Dismantling Police, Taking Down Murderers and Battling a Pandemic Still Had Poetry Final for Some Reason

“Sure, I’ve been busy checking in on my friends and protesting while also trying not to get COVID, so it’s actually really great that I had to work on final essays and a group project over Zoom,...
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Decade Recap: Your 2010 Self Grossed Out You’ve Done Butt Stuff

Using advanced, highly sensitive technology that we won’t bother to explain now, Nexustentialism was able to catch up with your 2010 self and fill them in on all that you’ve been up to over the pa...
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Rate of Seeing Ex-Lover at Lib Climbs to 200% as Finals Approach

In a recently published study, UCSB researchers estimate that the rate of crossing paths with your ex-lover at the library has climbed to a staggering 200% as finals draw near. The team notes that the...
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Friends Discover Housemate’s Inability To Clean Result of Dad’s Multimillion Dollar Company

Fourth years Elijah Borf and Daniel Rodriguez discovered this week that friend and housemate Ethan Roberts actually has a pretty fucking rich dad. This discovery ties a lot of loose ends together for ...
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Friend Somehow Just Has All the Internships?

Breaking: It has recently dawned on incoming junior Marissa Torrez that close friend and housemate Alexandra Lee manages each year to somehow have all the internships.  Amidst many Facebook posts voi...
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Non-Traditional Student Mom Somehow Able To Make All Class Content Relate Back to Ten-Year-Old Son, Ethan

Students of History 178B: US Wealth and Poverty have found that somehow, all class content ties back to non-traditional and fellow student Tammy Oblesky’s son, Ethan.
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CALPIRG To Shut Doors After 100,000th Signature Saves Bee

After many years of Arbor tabling, hard work and general disruption, CALPIRG has announced that they will be shutting down for good after acquiring their 100,000th student signature, enough to finally...
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Freshman Picked UCSB for Chance to Wear Redbull Bro Tank All Year Round

As campus tour guides, the UCSB website and student Snapchats love to point out, UCSB is renowned for its (relatively) pristine beaches and sunny skies. Freshman Jeremy Yeggie seemed to be in full agr...
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Everybody on the Fourth Floor of Davidson Should Just Fuck Each Other Already

Everyone is aware of the diverse personalities that make up the eight floors of the slightly uncomfy Davidson Library: the all-inclusive first floor, the scholars of fifth, the antisocial sociopaths o...
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Soccer Players Not Hot Enough To Warrant Sitting Through Whole Game

15 minutes into the infamous UCSB versus Cal Poly SLO soccer game, second-year Veronica Dickstein realized that the soccer players weren’t even hot enough to warrant staying any longer than necessar...
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Hookup Probably Just Gonna Go, Has an Early Start Tomorrow Morning

After an hour of haphazard lovemaking, it was reported that Nick Nguyen was probably gonna head out after third-year Emily Callahan invited him over for a last-minute romp in the hay.
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Freshman Wonders if Beach is More Than Just Background for Hot Bikini Pics – Decides No.

It was recently reported that freshman and licensed blonde person Nikki Ehrlich had half a revelation over the weekend during an excursion to Sands with friend and beta brunette Claire Graisman.
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Nexustentialism to Shut Down After Some Girl Kaitlyn says “Not Okay”

Well, it happened.
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