Sam Penn

April 16, 2021

6 People Covid Partiers Can Look Forward to Meeting in Hell

By Sam Penn

Isla Vista’s COVID partiers have made it clear that drinking on balconies and drinking on roofs (and – let’s face it – angering the PH in some Shein bikini) is more critical than the health and safety of their pe...

December 2, 2020

Top Five Curse Words to Watch!

By Sam Penn

Every once in a while, you come across a curse word that really sticks, something so profane you’ll be sure to use for the rest of your life. This is not that curse word, but it’s pretty good.

October 5, 2020

Recently Fired RAs Say It’s Fine, Didn’t Need Anywhere To Live Anyway

By Sam Penn

“Sure I don’t ‘have walls,’ and maybe I don’t ‘get to be dry’ all the time,” Lopez said, while speaking from the half inflated raft she’s been living in off the coast of Devereux. “But you can’t bea...

July 22, 2020

Student Dismantling Police, Taking Down Murderers and Battling a Pandemic Still Had Poetry Final for Some Reason

By Sam Penn

“Sure, I’ve been busy checking in on my friends and protesting while also trying not to get COVID, so it’s actually really great that I had to work on final essays and a group project over Zoom,”

January 1, 2020

Decade Recap: Your 2010 Self Grossed Out You’ve Done Butt Stuff

By Sam Penn

Using advanced, highly sensitive technology that we won’t bother to explain now, Nexustentialism was able to catch up with your 2010 self and fill them in on all that you’ve been up to over the past ten years. “Are...

December 7, 2019

Rate of Seeing Ex-Lover at Lib Climbs to 200% as Finals Approach

By Sam Penn

In a recently published study, UCSB researchers estimate that the rate of crossing paths with your ex-lover at the library has climbed to a staggering 200% as finals draw near. The team notes that the stats will no doubt...

August 29, 2019

Friends Discover Housemate’s Inability To Clean Result of Dad’s Multimillion Dollar Company

By Sam Penn

Fourth years Elijah Borf and Daniel Rodriguez discovered this week that friend and housemate Ethan Roberts actually has a pretty fucking rich dad. This discovery ties a lot of loose ends together for Borf and Rodriguez, ...

August 13, 2019

Friend Somehow Just Has All the Internships?

By Sam Penn

Breaking: It has recently dawned on incoming junior Marissa Torrez that close friend and housemate Alexandra Lee manages each year to somehow have all the internships. Amidst many Facebook posts voicing her gratitude i...

May 3, 2019

Non-Traditional Student Mom Somehow Able To Make All Class Content Relate Back to Ten-Year-Old Son, Ethan

By Sam Penn

Students of History 178B: US Wealth and Poverty have found that somehow, all class content ties back to non-traditional and fellow student Tammy Oblesky’s son, Ethan.

April 12, 2019

CALPIRG To Shut Doors After 100,000th Signature Saves Bee

By Sam Penn

After many years of Arbor tabling, hard work and general disruption, CALPIRG has announced that they will be shutting down for good after acquiring their 100,000th student signature, enough to finally save a bee.

February 11, 2019

Freshman Picked UCSB for Chance to Wear Redbull Bro Tank All Year Round

By Sam Penn

As campus tour guides, the UCSB website and student Snapchats love to point out, UCSB is renowned for its (relatively) pristine beaches and sunny skies. Freshman Jeremy Yeggie seemed to be in full agreement when he was o...

February 1, 2019

Everybody on the Fourth Floor of Davidson Should Just Fuck Each Other Already

By Sam Penn

Everyone is aware of the diverse personalities that make up the eight floors of the slightly uncomfy Davidson Library: the all-inclusive first floor, the scholars of fifth, the antisocial sociopaths of eight. Yet, there ...

October 29, 2018

Soccer Players Not Hot Enough To Warrant Sitting Through Whole Game

By Ollie Tanasse, Sam Penn

15 minutes into the infamous UCSB versus Cal Poly SLO soccer game, second-year Veronica Dickstein realized that the soccer players weren’t even hot enough to warrant staying any longer than necessary. After throwing he...

October 12, 2018

Hookup Probably Just Gonna Go, Has an Early Start Tomorrow Morning

By Sam Penn

After an hour of haphazard lovemaking, it was reported that Nick Nguyen was probably gonna head out after third-year Emily Callahan invited him over for a last-minute romp in the hay.

September 24, 2018

Freshman Wonders if Beach is More Than Just Background for Hot Bikini Pics – Decides No.

By Sam Penn

It was recently reported that freshman and licensed blonde person Nikki Ehrlich had half a revelation over the weekend during an excursion to Sands with friend and beta brunette Claire Graisman.

January 30, 2018