Nexustentialism

It's satire, stupid.

I’m Not Mad, I’m Just Disappointed: Parents Weekend 2018 Report

November 9, 2018 by

Well, UCSB’s Parents Weekend came and went, and things were less than perfect. Parents Weekend is supposed to be a time when we can stop having anxiety attacks from econ, pretend like our social liv...
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Now That’s What I Call Stress Eating!

November 8, 2018 by

While some may turn to compulsively smoking stogies or crying in the library’s egg chairs during stressful times, freshman Daniel Diaz has taken up a record-breaking stress eating habit.
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Return of the Shack: How To Get that One Night Stand Out of Your Bed

November 7, 2018 by

To all you newbies, freshmen or downright nice human beings who can’t get that shacker out of your bed, here are seven ways to get him or her to become the Angel of the Morning!
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The 2018 Gaucho Voter’s Guide

November 5, 2018 by

This list features information on special measures exclusively pertaining to life in Isla Vista!
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Cops Caught Flipping Cars to Promote “Keep It Local” Agenda

November 1, 2018 by

Isla Vista residents have recently fallen victim to a series of crimes aptly named by this writer, “Monster Mash Window Crashes.” The local Free & For Sale page and the UCSB “meme page” ha...
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Dear Mother, Halloween Sucks

October 31, 2018 by

We have no hope this Halloween. The fences are high, higher than any of our friends are getting...
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Soccer Players Not Hot Enough To Warrant Sitting Through Whole Game

October 29, 2018 by and

15 minutes into the infamous UCSB versus Cal Poly SLO soccer game, second-year Veronica Dickstein realized that the soccer players weren’t even hot enough to warrant staying any longer than necessar...
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Timely Warning! Here Are The 10 Disappointing Guys Who Will Ask You Out This Quarter

October 26, 2018 by

I’m so over being single, so I’ve taken matters into my own hands and decided to make a Tinder. After my first date off the app, I decided to document the type of guy I went out with and it has re...
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Spooky! Third-year Bryce Smith’s Jersey Duvet Hasn’t Been Washed Since Quarter 1 Year 1!

October 26, 2018 by

Ghouls and witches beware! There is something much scarier creeping upon us this Halloween season.
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CALPIRG Trains New Recruits To Smell Weakness

October 26, 2018 by

Worried that their relentless tabling tactics and guilt-tripping lacked effectiveness, the Santa Barbara chapter of the California Public Interest Research Group (CALPIRG) has announced a new method o...
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Gaucho Goings-On: Marriage Announcements!

October 25, 2018 by

Cuffing season is upon us, and with it, the announcements of some sweet Gaucho couplings!
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Bar-Crossed Lovers: A Downtown Love Letter

October 25, 2018 by

A heartwarming open letter to a long lost nightclub love...
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How to Navigate Your Freshman Year Long Distance Relationship

October 24, 2018 by

Here are the five staples of navigating your freshman year long-distance relationship before it inevitably comes to a sad and pathetic end a month and a half into the school year!
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The 5 Stages of Grief for Aspiring Frat Bros Who Didn’t Get a Bid

October 22, 2018 by

With rush week recently over and pledge season swinging into full effect, many have found themselves without a brotherhood to call their own.  Here’s a list of the five stages of grief you bidless ...
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“It’s My Year!” Exclaims Aggressively Single Friend Looking For Love, But Will Most Likely Remain Single

October 19, 2018 by

Despite her unattainably high expectations for the opposite sex, third-year Mackenzie Carlton is confident that it is her time to find love.
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