Nexustentialism

It's satire, stupid.

October 26, 2018

CALPIRG Trains New Recruits To Smell Weakness

By Hannah Jackson

Worried that their relentless tabling tactics and guilt-tripping lacked effectiveness, the Santa Barbara chapter of the California Public Interest Research Group (CALPIRG) has announced a new method of training recruits ...

October 25, 2018

Gaucho Goings-On: Marriage Announcements!

By Nexustentialism Staff

Cuffing season is upon us, and with it, the announcements of some sweet Gaucho couplings!

October 25, 2018

Bar-Crossed Lovers: A Downtown Love Letter

By Brock Clark

A heartwarming open letter to a long lost nightclub love...

October 24, 2018

How to Navigate Your Freshman Year Long Distance Relationship

By Jen Alcott

Here are the five staples of navigating your freshman year long-distance relationship before it inevitably comes to a sad and pathetic end a month and a half into the school year!

October 22, 2018

The 5 Stages of Grief for Aspiring Frat Bros Who Didn’t Get a Bid

By Brian Byrne

With rush week recently over and pledge season swinging into full effect, many have found themselves without a brotherhood to call their own. Here’s a list of the five stages of grief you bidless Chads, Brads and Tha...

October 19, 2018

“It’s My Year!” Exclaims Aggressively Single Friend Looking For Love, But Will Most Likely Remain Single

By Anita Dee

Despite her unattainably high expectations for the opposite sex, third-year Mackenzie Carlton is confident that it is her time to find love.

October 18, 2018

Dear Professors: Midterms Mean They Happen in the Middle of the Term Not Week Fucking Three

By Christina Muoio

This past Wednesday, fourth-year global studies major Roger Rodgers was seen sobbing on the fourth floor of the library. When approached by a concerned fellow student, Roger just kept crying and was pretty much inconsola...

October 16, 2018

Abroad Bros Realize International Women Hate Them Too

By Kian Karamdashti

Truly devastating developments have come out of Paris, France today as local “bros” Chad Brohanski and Michael Sendet have realized that European girls hate them even more than American girls back home.

October 15, 2018

What Your Hickey Says About You

By Candace Dunkin

Hickeys are a timeless staple that lets the world around you know that you’re getting some. Here’s a guide that shows exactly what your hickey says about you!

October 12, 2018

Hookup Probably Just Gonna Go, Has an Early Start Tomorrow Morning

By Sam Penn

After an hour of haphazard lovemaking, it was reported that Nick Nguyen was probably gonna head out after third-year Emily Callahan invited him over for a last-minute romp in the hay.

October 11, 2018

Dude, Where’s My Bird?

By Christina Muoio

Earlier this morning, IVPD was informed of a robbery that occurred on the 67 block of Sabado Tarde Road. According to third-year pre-law student Garrett Jackson, he parked his Bird in his driveway late last night, but by...

October 10, 2018

5 On-Campus Programs Coming To UCSB This Year

By Emily Williams

You’ve probably heard of the new bike renting program available to students, but are you aware of these great new opportunities?

October 9, 2018

My Boy Adam and I Used an Old Time Machine We Found in My Boy Brad’s Garage to Discover What Dumb Shit Freshman Are Gonna Do This Fall

By Fraternity Phil

My boy Adam and I used the time machine my boy Brad has been keeping in his garage to find out about all the dumbfuck things the freshman are gonna be up to this fall!

October 5, 2018

Cool New Abroad Program Just Four Month Photoshoot at Barcelona Bunkers

By Daniel Carroll

Facing an overwhelming demand, the UCSB Education Abroad Program (EAP) announced the implementation of a new four-month program devoted to allowing its participants to simply take photos at the Barcelona Bunkers overlook...

October 4, 2018

Study Abroad Student Only Hooks Up With Other Americans

By Betty Cocker

Much to her surprise and disappointment, third-year study abroad student Kelly Parker has only had sexual encounters with fellow Americans while studying abroad for the semester in Italy.