Nexustentialism

It's satire, stupid.

October 31, 2018

Dear Mother, Halloween Sucks

By Brock Clark

We have no hope this Halloween. The fences are high, higher than any of our friends are getting...

October 29, 2018

Soccer Players Not Hot Enough To Warrant Sitting Through Whole Game

By Ollie Tanasse, Sam Penn

15 minutes into the infamous UCSB versus Cal Poly SLO soccer game, second-year Veronica Dickstein realized that the soccer players weren’t even hot enough to warrant staying any longer than necessary. After throwing he...

October 26, 2018

Timely Warning! Here Are The 10 Disappointing Guys Who Will Ask You Out This Quarter

By Amanda Love

I’m so over being single, so I’ve taken matters into my own hands and decided to make a Tinder. After my first date off the app, I decided to document the type of guy I went out with and it has resulted in this lovel...

October 26, 2018

Spooky! Third-year Bryce Smith’s Jersey Duvet Hasn’t Been Washed Since Quarter 1 Year 1!

By Emma Demorest

Ghouls and witches beware! There is something much scarier creeping upon us this Halloween season.

October 26, 2018

CALPIRG Trains New Recruits To Smell Weakness

By Hannah Jackson

Worried that their relentless tabling tactics and guilt-tripping lacked effectiveness, the Santa Barbara chapter of the California Public Interest Research Group (CALPIRG) has announced a new method of training recruits ...

October 25, 2018

Gaucho Goings-On: Marriage Announcements!

By Nexustentialism Staff

Cuffing season is upon us, and with it, the announcements of some sweet Gaucho couplings!

October 25, 2018

Bar-Crossed Lovers: A Downtown Love Letter

By Brock Clark

A heartwarming open letter to a long lost nightclub love...

October 24, 2018

How to Navigate Your Freshman Year Long Distance Relationship

By Jen Alcott

Here are the five staples of navigating your freshman year long-distance relationship before it inevitably comes to a sad and pathetic end a month and a half into the school year!

October 22, 2018

The 5 Stages of Grief for Aspiring Frat Bros Who Didn’t Get a Bid

By Brian Byrne

With rush week recently over and pledge season swinging into full effect, many have found themselves without a brotherhood to call their own. Here’s a list of the five stages of grief you bidless Chads, Brads and Tha...

October 19, 2018

“It’s My Year!” Exclaims Aggressively Single Friend Looking For Love, But Will Most Likely Remain Single

By Anita Dee

Despite her unattainably high expectations for the opposite sex, third-year Mackenzie Carlton is confident that it is her time to find love.

October 18, 2018

Dear Professors: Midterms Mean They Happen in the Middle of the Term Not Week Fucking Three

By Christina Muoio

This past Wednesday, fourth-year global studies major Roger Rodgers was seen sobbing on the fourth floor of the library. When approached by a concerned fellow student, Roger just kept crying and was pretty much inconsola...

October 16, 2018

Abroad Bros Realize International Women Hate Them Too

By Kian Karamdashti

Truly devastating developments have come out of Paris, France today as local “bros” Chad Brohanski and Michael Sendet have realized that European girls hate them even more than American girls back home.

October 15, 2018

What Your Hickey Says About You

By Candace Dunkin

Hickeys are a timeless staple that lets the world around you know that you’re getting some. Here’s a guide that shows exactly what your hickey says about you!

October 12, 2018

Hookup Probably Just Gonna Go, Has an Early Start Tomorrow Morning

By Sam Penn

After an hour of haphazard lovemaking, it was reported that Nick Nguyen was probably gonna head out after third-year Emily Callahan invited him over for a last-minute romp in the hay.

October 11, 2018

Dude, Where’s My Bird?

By Christina Muoio

Earlier this morning, IVPD was informed of a robbery that occurred on the 67 block of Sabado Tarde Road. According to third-year pre-law student Garrett Jackson, he parked his Bird in his driveway late last night, but by...