Happy Holidays from us at the Nexus! We here at Nexustentialism know how difficult it can be to get some good gifts for your friends and family here at UCSB, so we thought we’d do you a solid and tell you what we really want. Stock those stuffings, roast those chestnuts and make some gluten-free cookies, cause it’s showtime:
1. A Dad Hat
Dad hats are great. Whether it’s for your best friend or your actual dad, nobody is gonna turn down this downgraded trucker hat if it shows up under that tree. The dad hat is versatile, unique-ish and comes in a variety of styles and designs. I personally want a dad hat with a raccoon on it to remember what my spirit animal is. Pro tip: Dad hats are especially great gifts if you want someone to know who your daddy is; nobody is gonna mess with your manz.
2. A Reliable Adderall Dealer
Finals are here and the gift that does not keep on giving is our brains. Let’s get real guys, we’re way too exhausted to even give a shit about a YouTube video, let alone an in-depth lecture on bioengineering. The part that sucks the most is that Adderall can fix all your problems, but too bad it’s more difficult to find than the cure for blindness. Let’s get real, doctors are getting smarter and they’re picking up on the fact that not all of us can have ADHD. The gift to really give your loved one this holiday season is a reliable, well adjusted drug hook-up. If they have any other kinds of drugs, that’s a bonus.
3. One of Those Sexual Awakenings People Keep Talking About
It’s amazing to think to that this is supposed to be the time of sexual awakening in college and I just don’t know how to do it. How am I supposed to get a good night blumpkin when my roommate is a hermit? FOR THE LAST TIME DAVE, I DON’T WANT TO HAVE SOME OF YOUR CHIPS… but thank you for the offer. Seriously, all I want for Christmas is to end my year and a half dry spell, so if somebody could get me that I’d love you forever. I’m sure I’m not the only one who wants this for Christmas.
Finals are nigh. Our morale is broken and we are at a loss. This one is the most difficult to attain on this list… actually that might be the next one but we’ll get to that. If you have any clue on how to get hope please clue us in because I’ve been crying in the corner of my room all week waiting for the impending doom that is my GPA. Bottom line, give us hope. Looking at you Obama, #ComeBackBarack.
WHERE ARE THE AVOCADOS? I GO TO FREEBIRDS, CAJUN KITCHEN, COSTCO AND THEY ARE GONE!? I AM GOING TO OVERTURN THIS TOWN AND RUN RAMPANT THROUGH THE STREETS IF THERE ARE NO AVOCADOS BY THIS TIME NEXT WEEK! I WILL SACRIFICE A RACCOON IF I HAVE TO AND YOU ALL KNOW I LOVE THOSE LITTLE FURRY DEMONS OF THE RECYCLING CAN!
6. An 8-Ball
I don’t know why people want these so much? I mean I got one as a kid but I guess they’re back in style? All I here about is my friends wanting 8-Balls and I just wonder if they mean for pool or the magic kind?
All Brock Clark really wants for Christmas is to get some sleep.