Hazing sucks. Dad did it, America did it, but we don’t anymore … right? There has been a rampant increase in reports of hazing here at UCSB and frankly it makes me sick. Looks like this reporter is gonna pull trig and bring things to light, so buckle up and put those rain ponchos on because we’re riding this log ride together.
Our first report of hazing comes from Sigma Sigma Sigma. This report is so serious, like for real guys. Multiple pledges have been reported leaving the house in tears. This reporter caught up to one and this is what he had to say: “My big said I had to fold his laundry… and I fucked up and put a pink shirt with his white clothes when I was folding everything.” Dickie Roberts, the pledge at the center of this house’s hazing allegations, is disheartened and knows he will “never succeed now,” just as his big said. Poor Dickie. This makes me sick.
The brothers of Chi Beta were no better. We were actually invited into their house and got to observe their hazing ritual, which dates back to the early 2000s. The gentlemen of Chi Beta force all of their pledges to have a Matthew McConaughey movie marathon, only it’s none of the good McConaughey’s. That’s right, the brothers of Chi Beta were forced to watch “How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days,” “Failure to Launch,” “Ghosts of Girlfriends Past” and “Reign of Fire.” Guys, nobody saw “Ghosts of Girlfriends Past,” it was 2009’s “Billionaire Boys Club” (fuck you Kevin Spacey). “How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days” is actually a well done movie and I cry every time they get to the bridge scene.
Soon after, we were tipped off about certain suspicions regarding Kappa Kappa Kappa. There we witnessed something horrendous … the “Alexa Pledge.” We saw a pledge of the house holding a speaker and being called Alexa by all of the sisters. When they yelled “Alexa,” they would request a song and the pledge would have to play it. The audacity of those women to make her their own personal robot. I mean, that’s what we have robots for. God forbid they ask Alexa what the weather is; the poor pledge would have to put down her phone and look around. She put down her phone guys! We can’t live without those!
The worst hazing, however, came from Upsilon Chi Sigma Beta. This fraternity promises to make its pledges upstanding members of society and has a rigorous pledge process, lasting anywhere from two to eight years. The history of the fraternity is rigorous, and its president, no matter how fire he is, is nowhere to be found, ever. Where is the leadership of this large organization? Nowhere … Daddy wasn’t there. Unsurprisingly, a lot of pledges end up dropping around the fourth year of pledging, so it’s very concerning that this fraternity still exists on this campus.
Sadly, I can no longer report on all these allegations. I put this on all of you to rise against the machine and end this psychotic trend of Alexas and McConaugheys.
Brock Clark was watching “How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days” because it’s a fucking great movie. Don’t judge him you heathens.