Nexustentialism

October 9, 2018

My Boy Adam and I Used an Old Time Machine We Found in My Boy Brad’s Garage to Discover What Dumb Shit Freshman Are Gonna Do This Fall

By Fraternity Phil

My boy Adam and I used the time machine my boy Brad has been keeping in his garage to find out about all the dumbfuck things the freshman are gonna be up to this fall!

October 5, 2018

Cool New Abroad Program Just Four Month Photoshoot at Barcelona Bunkers

By Daniel Carroll

Facing an overwhelming demand, the UCSB Education Abroad Program (EAP) announced the implementation of a new four-month program devoted to allowing its participants to simply take photos at the Barcelona Bunkers overlook...

October 4, 2018

Study Abroad Student Only Hooks Up With Other Americans

By Betty Cocker

Much to her surprise and disappointment, third-year study abroad student Kelly Parker has only had sexual encounters with fellow Americans while studying abroad for the semester in Italy.

October 2, 2018

FT Couple Tries Long Distance Relationship

By Hannah Jackson

While the distance between North and South towers may feel like an eternity, the couple has found a way to make it work.

October 1, 2018

Freshman Guides: Biking on Campus

By Anat Katzir

Here's some survival hacks for you newbies straight from an experienced cyclist of the streets of Isla Vista and campus!

September 28, 2018

“Shut up Loser,” Says Yang to Freshman Who Didn’t Say Anything

By Annie Pepper

In response to the slough of new first-years migrating to campus, Chancellor Henry T. Yang has reportedly adopted a noticeably more “top bitch” persona, in what experts are calling an effort to “put them in their p...

September 27, 2018

BREAKING: Sophomores Are Cooler Than You

By Carly Kay

Breaking: incoming second-year Betty Razi is finally ready to demonstrate her newfound sense of maturity to the wittle baby freshmen.

September 26, 2018

How to Party in Isla Vista

By Hannah Jackson

As a seasoned I.V. resident and partygoer, allow me to impart some of my wisdom upon you...

September 25, 2018

5 Girls You Will Meet at UCSB Based on Bathroom Graffiti

By Mia Roncati

Based on real UCSB bathroom graffiti, here are the 5 UCSB girls you will meet based on these quotes somebody probably wrote while they were pooping!

September 24, 2018

Freshman Wonders if Beach is More Than Just Background for Hot Bikini Pics – Decides No.

By Sam Penn

It was recently reported that freshman and licensed blonde person Nikki Ehrlich had half a revelation over the weekend during an excursion to Sands with friend and beta brunette Claire Graisman.

September 21, 2018

Local Catcaller To Take Leave of Absence After Recently Learning None of the Women He Harasses Actually Want His Dick

By Emma Demorest

In what has so far been a trying week, local catcaller Steven Johnson released a statement on Monday declaring that he would be taking a personal leave after word broke that none of the women he harasses actually want hi...

September 20, 2018

Friend Who Just Bought Eight Ball Still Can’t Pay You Back Those Six Bucks

By Joey Blowey

Claiming that he just doesn’t have that kind of money right now, your friend who just bought a $200 eight ball of cocaine still can’t pay you back those six bucks right now.

September 12, 2018

5 Things UCSB Was Already Number 5 In

By Ollie Tanasse

Now that UCSB has moved up the ranks to stand as the fifth-best public university in the nation, here are five other impressive things that UCSB was already No. 5 in!

September 4, 2018

It’s Summer, Here’s a Retrospective of Pirates of the Caribbean 3: At World’s End

By Ryan Watt

Listen man, it’s past 12, I’ve eaten three Eggo waffles and haven’t showered since last Thursday. Here’s my retrospective analysis of “Pirates of the Caribbean 3: At World’s End.”

August 24, 2018

Study Finds Eating Ass Boosts Your Immune System

By Ollie Tanasse

Led by main researcher Joey Zones, a team of ecology graduate students at UC Santa Barbara discovered that eating ass helps to boost your immune system.

August 23, 2018

Just Some of the Terrible Things That Could Happen During Freshman Year

By Hannah Jackson

Are you worried about all of the potentially horrible things that could happen to you your freshman year? Well you should be. Disaster lurks around every corner, so be prepared for any of the following scenarios...