Courtesy of Troye Owens

Welcome to the Gaucho Voter’s Guide for Tuesday since we all know that no one is reading the recycled paper-printed voter guide you got in the mail. This list features information on special measures exclusively pertaining to life in Isla Vista!

Measure A2018:

A2018 only affects you if you are currently a first-year living on campus. In order to stop the epidemic of boys who “have to be shirtless” because it’s laundry day and “don’t have any clean shirts to wear,” A2018 would allot some of the ridiculously high housing fees to purchasing shirts boys can check out on laundry day.

Measure RIPX:

Written by professors at UCSB, a vote in favor of RIPX would make packing up before the end of lecture a violation punishable by fine. Fines will increase by $25 for every paper rustle, $50 for every time a backpack is zipped and $100 for every time a Hydro Flask is dropped.

Measure GNARLY:

Removes oil rig from the ocean. End tar on feet now.

Measure 100000000:

Created by the UCSB administration in order to address student mental health, 100000000 uses taxpayer money to build an egg chair community center in the middle of I.V. While the budget for this project could be used for providing actual mental health services for students in need, it will not.

Measure 69*:

Endorsed by the Coalition of Dudes Who Have Never Gotten Into A Party, 69 gives guys a free pass into a frat party once a quarter. A vote on 69 is a vote for #BidlessBoyz.

*Cannot be claimed for quarterlies.

Lizzy Mau is in the American Independent Party.