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BREAKING — As of the beginning of Fall Quarter, previous S.T.E.M. major Patricia Howard is officially emotionally ready to ‘go through something.’

After seeing three ‘reading is sexy’ bumper stickers in the span of two hours (and consistently failing every single chemistry course offered at UCSB), Howard felt the universe was telling her it was time to experience some major change and pursue a degree in English. Although she knew her life was about to transform immensely, Howard had no idea how far-reaching the impacts of her decision would have on her.

“Honestly, I feel like an entirely different person,” exclaimed the recent Shakespeare aficionado. “I, like, actually do things now. Did you know that every Wednesday is pint night at Woodstocks? EVERY WEDNESDAY!!! Who knew!?”

According to Howard’s housemates, she has really ‘loosened up a bit’ since she switched majors. It appears that Howard enjoys attributing her rash behavior to the adjustment period. She has been seen entering Precious Slut on numerous occasions and sauntering down DP on several walks of shame sporting eclectic blue hair.  

“Yeah, that bitch cray,” stated her roommate. “Last year I could barely drag her out of the library. Now I consider myself lucky if I can pull her off an elevated surface before the cops come.”

After going through this transition, the third-year offers the advice, “Fuck it,” to anyone considering changing their major. As Howard continues to navigate dividing up her surplus of free time, she asks her loved ones for compassion and understanding during this taxing spiritual journey.


Carly Kay is a recent ex-S.T.E.M. major who has been to the beach more in the last four weeks than her entire existence at UCSB.