Carly Kay

May 2, 2019

Breaking: EX-S.T.E.M. Major Finds New Ways To Hate Her Life

By Carly Kay

After switching her major from biochemistry to medieval studies, third-year Ima Noying has longed to fill the empty void in her heart that used to be nourished by the steady source of suffering associated with being a S....

January 31, 2019

Dazed and Confused: Local I.V. Woman Not Sure What To Do After Phone Dies During Sunset

By Carly Kay

Around 5:30 p.m. Saturday evening, tragedy struck the shores of Sands as local I.V. woman Margaret Rogers’s phone battery dropped dangerously low during the most ‘gramable sunset of the year. Just as Rogers had finis...

November 16, 2018

New Major, New Me

By Carly Kay

After seeing three ‘reading is sexy’ bumper stickers in the span of two hours (and consistently failing every single chemistry course offered at UCSB), Howard felt the universe was telling her it was time to experien...

September 27, 2018

BREAKING: Sophomores Are Cooler Than You

By Carly Kay

Breaking: incoming second-year Betty Razi is finally ready to demonstrate her newfound sense of maturity to the wittle baby freshmen.

May 1, 2018

Daddy Yang, You’re Not the Father

By Carly Kay

A paternity test revealed that Daddy Yang is in fact not her biological father.

February 8, 2018

Surfing in Poop Water is the Shit

By Carly Kay

“Honestly, I’m like already pretty sick,” stated Corby, throwing up a condensed shaka.

November 2, 2017

Freshmen Outraged After Multiple Costumes Go to Waste

By Carly Kay

Several disappointed freshmen have been seen mourning the loss of their high school graduation money after spending it on an arsenal of Halloween costumes fit to combat the Halloweens of Isla Vista’s past. Droves of ea...

October 23, 2017

Library Locals Lib Life to The Fullest

By Carly Kay

Case-Barnes deliberately expressed that his glorified tree graveyard has all the comforts of home that an over-caffeinated nerd could dream of.

October 17, 2017

Gauchos Have Chip on their Shoulder After Tie

By Carly Kay

After a whole year of anticipation, thousands of Gauchos drunkenly staggered to Harder Stadium on Saturday evening to unite over their contrived love for a sport they know nothing about.

September 26, 2017

Incoming Freshman Ecstatic About Sharing Space Despite Previous Only Child Experiences

By Carly Kay

Incoming freshman and only child Ella McLeod just arrived at her new glorified closet for three, and she could not be more pumped to get the siblings she never asked for.