Nexus File Photo

After a long four-month break from the Good Land, incoming second-year Betty Razi is finally ready to demonstrate her newfound sense of maturity to the wittle baby freshmen. Razi, who just turned 19 in early September, is absolutely flabbergasted by the pure naiveté of her three-month-younger inferiors.

“They are literal infants,” Razi stated. “I’d be shocked if they could see over the baskets on their beach cruisers.”

In a dignified attempt to be a proper role model, Razi makes a point to loudly exaggerate the word “freshmen” to her other mature friends whenever she sees a large group of girls wearing black walking down DP. This ensures that the street youths of Isla Vista know that they are being watched over by a slightly cooler group of sophisticated adult women.

“Back in my day, freshies were way less cringey,” the elder explained. “When I was sitting alone at Carrillo the other day, one of them introduced themselves to me, programmed themselves as “Alex from Dinning Hall” into my phone AND proceeded follow me on all forms of social media. The audacity!”

In her old age, the sophomore has decided to engage in more refined activities such as complaining about having too much to fit onto her resume and picking philosophical debates with unassuming surfers trying to enjoy a good sunset. Razi looks forward to sitting on her DP balcony casually sipping an IPA in sweatpants while first-years in the shared patio below take handle pulls of plastic Kirkland-brand vodka.


Carly Kay is a third-year who often gets mistaken for an eighth grader separated from her tour group.