Well, UCSB’s Parents Weekend came and went, and things were less than perfect. Parents Weekend is supposed to be a time when we can stop having anxiety attacks from econ, pretend like our social lives are more than just a weekly hookup and disregard the Yerba and Aderall-induced coma we’re all on the brink of, but this year we shit the bed, guys. Three out of four parents said they were either disappointed, appalled or, and I’m quoting here, “downright ready to choke someone,” after seeing what they saw. For the safety of students, the interviewees will each receive an appropriate pseudonym.
1. My Hookup’s Mom
Early thoughts from this seemingly random parent were highly positive. Campus Point was beautiful, and the guest lecture she got to attend reassured her that her daughter was in the right place. All this changed when the fire nation attacked. Nothing ruins Parents Weekend like walking in and seeing your precious little [name redacted] trying to shove a half-naked boy out a window at an oceanside house. “You are trash and I am downright ready to choke you,” was all this reporter got out of this interaction.
2. Suzy V. Over-Protective
Upon Suzy’s arrival, she was both happy but concerned because it looked like Gregory had the sniffles. “It just seemed like he was developing allergies all of the sudden … his eyes were bloodshot and he just kept sniffing.” What Suzy didn’t know was that Gregory had developed a fiendish coke addiction as well as a mildly successful business. When asked if she would return next year, Suzy candidly retorted, “Not even the cornhole competition at Storke Tower will entice me to rejoin parents weekend.” Well, boo on you, Sue, boo on you.
3. Jeff, Awkward Stepdad
Jeff was invited to join Tim, his stepson, in all normal activities this weekend. They played a few rounds of frisbee golf and went paddle boarding. Then night fell and Jeff found out his stepson was a star who went shot-for-shot with everyone at Dubs (Dublin’s for parent readers). “It would be weird to say I’m proud of him, but I’m not not proud of him…” Jeff looked concerned and mildly hungover during this interview.
4. Party Mom Karen
Party Mom had a great time and got into three fraternity parties. She only wishes she could have come here sooner. “This was the best fucking time I could have ever had.” It was at this time that she looked to three bros in the corner said, “I’m gonna outdrink all your little bitch asses.” Godspeed, Karen, godspeed.
Brock Clark wants you to know that he was actually called a “piece of trash” by his ex’s mom once and it still hurts.