Nexus File Photo

Worried that their relentless tabling tactics and guilt-tripping lacked effectiveness, the Santa Barbara chapter of the California Public Interest Research Group (CALPIRG) has announced a new method of training recruits to sense fear among the student body.

Similar to that of a K-9 unit, CALPIRG volunteers will now be trained to sense fear and weakness among their fellow Gauchos. The policy, which went into effect this month, has already seen a threefold increase in donations to saving the turtles or bees or whatever CALPIRG is harassing everyone about now.

First-year human ball of stress Gabby Stratford was one of the students targeted by CALPIRG’s new fear-smelling policy.

“I was walking to Campbell Hall for my first-ever midterm when I was chased down the Arbor by someone asking me if I wanted to sign a petition to ban plastic straws, and next thing I know they’ve convinced me to pledge,” Stratford said. “Now I have to explain to my parents that my BARC is getting billed $10 per month just because I was anxious to get to my Psych 1 exam.”

CALPIRG and U.S. PIRG leaders are thrilled with the results of the Santa Barbara chapter’s progress and plan to implement the strategic use of annoyance in order to gain pledges.

“The program of sensing and targeting weak-link students has yielded an incredibly productive quarter for CALPIRG,”  California President Harmony Frederick wrote in a statement. “If we continue this method of targeting nervous freshmen and emotionally-rundown upperclassmen, there’s no limit to how much we can achieve.”


Hannah Jackson never goes through the Arbor without her sunglasses, headphones and resting bitch face.


Hannah Jackson
Hannah served as the Editor-in-Chief from 2019-2020 and was previously Social Media Manager and Opinion Editor. She is a dancer, an avid napper and has killed every succulent she ever owned.