Nexustentialism

It's satire, stupid.

November 26, 2018

Local Man Has Fish Picture on Tinder Profile

By Hannah Jackson

In order to gain an edge over the stiff competition of the god-like surfers and pretty-boy frat stars of Isla Vista, local man Connor Stewart has added a picture of him holding a dead fish to his Tinder profile.

November 19, 2018

A Gym Rat’s Guide to Getting Swole AF

By Lizzy Mau

Never skip a workout at the Rec Cen again with these five tips that will get you so swole, you’ll be bigger than The Rock. Take it from me, I’m swole AF.

November 16, 2018

New Major, New Me

By Carly Kay

After seeing three ‘reading is sexy’ bumper stickers in the span of two hours (and consistently failing every single chemistry course offered at UCSB), Howard felt the universe was telling her it was time to experien...

November 15, 2018

The Limes vs. Birds Turf Wars Are Tearing This University Apart

By Christina Muoio

Isla Vista, CA - According to several witnesses, the residents of the 67 block of DP are now split into two halves: those who are staunch Bird advocates and those who prefer Limes. A turf war has been started, tearing th...

November 14, 2018

Mr. Brightside Voted “Best Song To Use To Get Laid”

By Candace Dunkin

Fraternity boys rejoice as their favorite and most played song ever now has an additional value. “Mr. Brightside” by The Killers has officially been voted Best Song To Use To Get Laid by none other than the prestigio...

November 13, 2018

Mo Bamba is Over

By Kian Karamdashti

Mo Bamba,” the hit masterpiece by national treasure “Mudboy” Sheck Wes has passed away this weekend at the hands of the song’s discovery by White people.

November 10, 2018

Freshman’s Guide to the Hierarchy of Roommates

By Chuck Mannsly

It’s the first quarter of college. You shake with anticipation, excited as the future of your unsupervised adult life starts now. There is just one thing off about your perfect new life: your new roommates. You don’t...

November 9, 2018

I’m Not Mad, I’m Just Disappointed: Parents Weekend 2018 Report

By Brock Clark

Well, UCSB’s Parents Weekend came and went, and things were less than perfect. Parents Weekend is supposed to be a time when we can stop having anxiety attacks from econ, pretend like our social lives are more than jus...

November 8, 2018

Now That’s What I Call Stress Eating!

By Hannah Jackson

While some may turn to compulsively smoking stogies or crying in the library’s egg chairs during stressful times, freshman Daniel Diaz has taken up a record-breaking stress eating habit.

November 7, 2018

Return of the Shack: How To Get that One Night Stand Out of Your Bed

By Brock Clark

To all you newbies, freshmen or downright nice human beings who can’t get that shacker out of your bed, here are seven ways to get him or her to become the Angel of the Morning!

November 5, 2018

The 2018 Gaucho Voter’s Guide

By Lizzy Mau

This list features information on special measures exclusively pertaining to life in Isla Vista!

November 1, 2018

Cops Caught Flipping Cars to Promote “Keep It Local” Agenda

By Mia Roncati

Isla Vista residents have recently fallen victim to a series of crimes aptly named by this writer, “Monster Mash Window Crashes.” The local Free & For Sale page and the UCSB “meme page” have been flooded with...

October 31, 2018

Dear Mother, Halloween Sucks

By Brock Clark

We have no hope this Halloween. The fences are high, higher than any of our friends are getting...

October 29, 2018

Soccer Players Not Hot Enough To Warrant Sitting Through Whole Game

By Ollie Tanasse, Sam Penn

15 minutes into the infamous UCSB versus Cal Poly SLO soccer game, second-year Veronica Dickstein realized that the soccer players weren’t even hot enough to warrant staying any longer than necessary. After throwing he...

October 26, 2018

Timely Warning! Here Are The 10 Disappointing Guys Who Will Ask You Out This Quarter

By Amanda Love

I’m so over being single, so I’ve taken matters into my own hands and decided to make a Tinder. After my first date off the app, I decided to document the type of guy I went out with and it has resulted in this lovel...