What’s up demons, it’s ya boy Chad. Last we spoke, I was getting ready for some winter frat rushes and — big spoiler alert — I crushed it and was too cool for every single house. Literally nobody could handle Bad Chad. I’m putting my talents somewhere else now, and I’m offering life advice just like Tony Robbins and my Uncle Ted. I had some peeps peep the DMs, so let’s give ‘em a shoutout and help.
1. Why can’t I get into the frat parties? — Sarah W.
Well Sarah, seeing as I am the resident fraternity expert, I can tell you that you probably didn’t wear the right outfit for the party’s theme. Nobody wants to see a cute librarian at the Rave Daughters and Disappointed Fathers Late Night. Takes you from a seven to a five, and we all know that just won’t cut it, even at the bottom houses. NEXT!
2. Should I live in I.V. next year or stay in San Joaquin? — Bart A.
Well Bartholomew, do you like adventure? Can you see yourself waking up at 9 a.m. on a Saturday to start a pregame? Do you long to blast only throwbacks and house music until the noise ordinance says, “Stop,” and then continue anyways? If you answered yes to any of these, ditch the amenities of good ol San “Jokingly Far Away” Joaquin and make jump on the I.V. Bandwagon. This place is literally Westworld: Every night we destroy ourselves through vanity and promiscuity and then awaken the next day with everything back to normal, only to start the loop again. It’s the best vacation you will ever have.
3. How do I void solicitors at The Arbor? — Shelby B.
Have you tried headphones gorl? Probably a good place to start. Even the AirPod peeps figured this one out, and that’s not saying much. Thank you, next.
4. How do I get rid of whiskey dick? — Richard L.
Well Dicky, the best trick for you is gonna be to lay off the Jameson. You can still totally drink, but I would suggest some Vitali or maybe even some Franzia. Whiskey dick can’t happen if you don’t actually drink whiskey.
5. What if she’s just not that into me? — Tiffany B.
Tiff, this one is tough. The best advice I can give is to let her go and be happy. If she actually wanted to be with you, she likely would have actually reciprocated a text message or said yes to going on that date. We’ve all been here, and it is so heartbreaking. The best thing you can do for yourself is recognize your own self worth and admit to yourself that this idealization of your crush is more a fixation than the tender blooming rose petals that gingerly spell love across the marital bed on the night of that honeymoon you are fantasizing about. Love yourself for a change and find some self worth. Also maybe get a Tinder.
Chad Simpleton is finding his own self-value and is ready to help people day and night if that’s alright.