Courtesy of PxHere

Beloved Daughter,

It was with great concern and consternation that Mother and I met the distressing news of your being unable to find a husband whilst at university. It is hard to face the fact that the bloom of youth has left you and that you face the swift slide into decrepitude as an unmarried woman. With the good Lord’s help, you may yet meet a man you can marry. You still have the remainder of this year and the entirety of your senior year.

Has there been anything specific that has been dissuading potential suitors? Is it your lack of “birthing hips”? That’s always been our family’s curse. Would surgery help? We would gladly dip into your inheritance to fix them, if it would address the issue. I do hope that you haven’t been doing anything unladylike such as “free thinking” or “speaking your mind.”

If it is necessary, we will add three more chickens and a donkey to your dowry. Have you reminded the lads that you are heir to the family dirt farm? A dirt empire, in fact. Remind them of the greatness that awaits them should they only deign to make an honest woman of you.

Redouble your efforts, my daughter. Mother and I have the highest hopes that you may find a man who will take pity on you. Why else would we send you to an institute of higher education, if not to snag a fella?

In hopes you do not bring shame to the family,


Sent from my iPad


Hannah’s Dad is actually Hannah’s dad.