Nexus File Photo

In a completely unsurprising turn of events, UCSB has decided to ban the use of bicycles on campus bike paths to allow room for Bird scooters, now the preferred method of transportation for UCSB students. In an email sent out to the student body early Tuesday morning, Chancellor Henry T. Yang stated that “bikes succ lol, birds r cool now.”

UCSB plans to impound all of the bikes on campus, regardless of who they belong to. HOPR bikes will be sent back to the manufacturer, and the university will be undergoing massive amounts of construction in anticipation of the influx of Bird scooters that are going to hit the university.  

“We plan to make the bike paths smaller and smoother so that the scooters can make zoom zoom faster,” Yang said in his email.

The UCSB student population has never been more ecstatic.

“Birds are in every way superior to bicycles, and it’s about time UCSB recognizes that,” Chad Jarvis Johnson, second year comparative literature major, said.

The SBMTD is also going to be eliminated with the arrival of these new Bird paths. With the ease and simplicity of Birds, there is no need for our public bus system anymore. Birds are more efficient, there are no lines and you don’t need a sticker or access card to use it.

“They are, in every way, the finer mode of transportation,” an SBMTD spokesperson said.

The new Bird paths are estimated to be completed by Fall 2021. New features of the Bird paths include higher slopes for more fun, decreased traffic in the lanes and the complete elimination of the sidewalk so that the student body will have to rely on Birds to get to and from classes.

Christina Muoio promises she will write about something other than Birds next quarter.