Daniel Carroll

May 17, 2019

100% Of UCSB Long-Distance Relationships Would Rapidly Implode if Couple Ever Hung Out In in Person, Study Finds

By Daniel Carroll

A school-wide study conducted by UCSB’s Department of Communication revealed that 100% of long-distance relationships based out of UCSB would rapidly implode if the couple ever spent extensive time together in person. ...

May 7, 2019

Spotify Targets Young Singles With Ambient 8-Hour Playlist of Couples Arguing

By Daniel Carroll

In an effort to acquire young single listeners, Spotify has released an eight-hour-long playlist featuring the ambient back-and-forths of couples arguing. The “Couples Arguing” playlist features a diverse range of co...

April 12, 2019

Senior From Newport Beginning To Feel Crippling Pressure of Deciding Which of Parents’ Friends To Get Job From

By Daniel Carroll

With only months until graduation, fourth-year global studies major Charlie Andrews has reportedly been experiencing a crippling panic of deciding which of his parent’s business mogul friends he should reach out to for...

March 7, 2019

Girl Who Reposts All Her Birthday Wishes To Instagram Story Edges out Ted Cruz and Fyre Festival Guy for Worst Person in the World

By Daniel Carroll

In an international poll with hundreds of millions of participants, Girl Who Reposts All Her Birthday Wishes To Instagram Story has narrowly been declared the worst person in the entire world. The race was remarkably clo...

January 25, 2019

Plan To Leave Pregame with Friends for Party with Strangers and Terrible Music Still Good with Everyone

By Daniel Carroll

While enjoying a fun gathering of drinks, friendly faces and favorite tunes, everyone was still completely on board for leaving to go to a house party with sex-crazed belligerents and the world’s worst music.

October 5, 2018

Cool New Abroad Program Just Four Month Photoshoot at Barcelona Bunkers

By Daniel Carroll

Facing an overwhelming demand, the UCSB Education Abroad Program (EAP) announced the implementation of a new four-month program devoted to allowing its participants to simply take photos at the Barcelona Bunkers overlook...

August 23, 2018

First Three People Freshman Encounters Seemingly Become Best Friends For Rest of College

By Daniel Carroll

Bonding over living on the same floor, loving avocados and enjoying getting shithouse plastered four nights a week, freshman Bailey Simpson stumbled upon her three best friends for the rest of college within the first ha...

August 7, 2018

Internship Reveals Run of the Mill Trajectory of Rest of Life

By Daniel Carroll

Noting the rampant bitterness of his superiors for their long hours and monotonous daily routines, accounting intern Jackson Conners confirmed the unremarkable essence of the remainder of his days as a living being.