Nexustentialism
It's satire, stupid.
‘Twas a brave, young fellow indeed who stepped out of his front door onto the streets of Isla Vista last weekend, wiping away tears and wearing a Golden State jersey in place of the usual (and prefe...
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In a completely unsurprising turn of events, third-year Anita Bath, a member of the Gaucho Tour Association, has reportedly walked backward into Hell. Walking backward, a skill that many tour leaders ...
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Due to concerns regarding the drunken rowdiness, tomfoolery and other miscellaneous shenaniganz that have come to be associated with Deltopia celebrations, the I.V. Foot Patrol declared martial law in...
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Everyone knows that Deltopia is like Christmas for cops, but instead of gifts, they’re giving out Minor In Possession (MIP) tickets. Though most noobs get an MIP for alcohol possession, we here at N...
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Holla cater-cousins! 'Tis I, L'rd Walt'r de Bolbec, coming to thee liveth from the 68 block of Del Playa f'r an occasion hath called Deltopia! I has't hath heard it is quite valorous excit'ment and yo...
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In an emergency meeting last night, Associated Students declared that Deltopia will be moved to Fortuna Lane in order to avoid the increasing police presence seen over the last couple years.
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Tragedy struck Isla Vista last week, administering a blow to the student population right in the heart of their most coveted and vital survival tool: coffee.
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Eyewitnesses have reported that Storke Tower, the proud phallic symbol of UC Santa Barbara, has – devastatingly – gone flaccid. The 175-foot-tall tower, which was first erected in front of the Uni...
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Clint used to be the guy that slipped off to the bathroom every 30 minutes or so. Clint’s parents kept asking him where all his money went and why he needed to pick up extra shifts at Albertsons. Cl...
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In an effort to save money at the direct and immediate expense of student wellbeing, Student Health Services is pleased to announce that they have replaced all physicians and trained medical professio...
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An influx of horrific bike accidents (in which many took to Free & For Sale to voice their grievances and describe the gory details of their injuries) has prompted local UCPD to implement the W.E.A.K....
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We all know that one couple that’s consistently off and on. The guy frequently likes other girls’ pictures on Instagram and the girl keeps getting fucking pissed.
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Food, we all need it. Restaurants, we’ve all been to them. IV, definitely has ‘em. This cesspool of debauchery and dank memes is full of the best fucking foods to cure everything from a hangover t...
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In a shocking scandal, it was revealed that the United States Department of Justice has charged 50 people in six states for paying bribes for entry into elite universities. These bribes helped otherwi...
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Finals are almost here, and with them come yerba binges, restless nights and quiet sobs in the library. This year, though, local UCSB students seem to have put a stop to this quarterly tradition.
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A werewolf who definitely howled mid make-out
A performative male dressed as Tyler Durden
The mime that somehow made it hot and cool
The ghost of your situationship (no, it’s actually them)
Frat vampire, and your neck will be bleeding
The angel that has definitely never gone out
The literal devil
A prisoner with fake tattoos that you can pretend are real for the night
A sexy cowboy that definitely used the ride line at least four times
A Patrick Bateman who relates a little too much
The witch who asked for your zodiac sign first
A nurse who will leave you needing CPR
