Nexustentialism

It's satire, stupid.

Fuck You, Flavored Cream Cheese

January 2, 2020 by

Straight up: flavored cream cheese can fuck all the way off. Simply put, we should all have a personal vendetta against this creamy, bullshit concoction designed to ruin the pristine delicacy that is ...
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Decade Recap: Your 2010 Self Grossed Out You’ve Done Butt Stuff

January 1, 2020 by

Using advanced, highly sensitive technology that we won’t bother to explain now, Nexustentialism was able to catch up with your 2010 self and fill them in on all that you’ve been up to over the pa...
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Oops! Student’s Soul That Left Body During Finals Returns to Econ Professor Gary Marvitz

December 19, 2019 by

    Last week marked the last of fall quarter finals for most UCSB students. This proved to be both a blessing and a curse for student Jake Gladstone, whose soul left his body sometime aroun...
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Rate of Seeing Ex-Lover at Lib Climbs to 200% as Finals Approach

December 7, 2019 by

In a recently published study, UCSB researchers estimate that the rate of crossing paths with your ex-lover at the library has climbed to a staggering 200% as finals draw near. The team notes that the...
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Local Stoner Commended by Community for Constant Stream of Smoking Content

December 5, 2019 by

Local stoner Kelly Smith, better known by her Snapchat pseudonym “Phatty Dabz,” has recently been recognized by the community for the constant stream of smoking videos she uploads daily to her Sna...
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Jack Johnson To Rebrand as “Lil’ Johnson”

December 2, 2019 by

  In an effort to keep up with burgeoning young artists like Lil Yachty, Lil Baby and Lil Pump (to name but a few), locally venerated celebrity and big “vibes guy” Jack Johnson informed the p...
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Horoscopes: Fart Edition

November 28, 2019 by

  ARIES (March 21 – April 19) See how long you can make your next fart last. You may be surprised by the result.   GEMINI (May 21- June 20) Be on the watch for two farts for the price ...
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How To Let Everyone Know You Went To The Gym One (1) Time

November 26, 2019 by

The new year is upon us, meaning that students will soon flock to the Rec Cen like ants to an I.V. kitchen floor covered in a sticky puddle of spilled, off-brand Mountain Dew. However, I have taken it...
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Twist! TA Won’t Even Answer Own Question

November 26, 2019 by

  In a shocking but probably inevitable turn of events, the level of fucks given during section in Week Eight has dropped so low that not even the TA would answer his own question.  An 8:00 a.m....
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Trump Resigns After A.S. Senate Votes To Impeach

November 24, 2019 by

1600 Pennsylvania Ave. –– Shortly after hearing of a unanimous Associated Students Senate vote passing a resolution in support of his own impeachment, President Donald J. Trump immediately announc...
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Oh Goodie! Your Bike Seat is Wet!

November 22, 2019 by

U-CEN BIKE RACKS — Returning from a late-night study session, student Joe Schmoe was greeted with the supreme earthly delight of an absolutely sopping wet bicycle seat. This soggy conclusion to his ...
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Top Five Chaser Alternatives

November 19, 2019 by

Buying chaser can often be an afterthought. Sometimes, when you’re already starting the pregame, it’s too late to venture out into I.V. to actually buy some. We at Nexustentialism are here to brin...
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CALPIRG To Club a Baby Seal for Every Person Who Refuses To Sign Their Petitions

November 14, 2019 by

In what can only be described as an aggressive marketing tactic, CALPIRG has decided that enough is enough with regard to the disrespect it has taken over the years and wants the student body to know ...
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Sad! Local Vegan Won’t Even Eat Own Boogers

November 14, 2019 by

Local vegan Ian Greenberg shocked friends and family this week when he admitted that — as a vegan — he abstains from eating his own boogers.  “Like damn man,” said Ian’s close friend, Greg ...
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Ahoy Matey! Capsized Sailboat To Be Turned Into “First-Year Living Community”

November 14, 2019 by

  A lot of you may have noticed somewhat of an empty feeling around Coal Oil Point this week, as if an old friend or a familiar face may have left the premises. You’d be correct, as the capsize...
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