Nexustentialism
It's satire, stupid.
As Halloween approaches and annual chain-link fences have suddenly sprung up around I.V. like skeletal sheets rising from their graves, a series of recent investigations have revealed Chancellor Yang ...
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Step 1: Check to see if you have a brain Knock knock! Who’s there? It’s your cerebral cortex, silly! Give your ol’ dome a couple of hearty taps with your knuckles to make sure that little...
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With collective pressure on California universities to better student health services, UCSB’s Counseling and Psychological Services program has launched a groundbreaking “See the Sunny Side...
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Sororities are known for many things — the cult-like, ahem, cute chants and hand signals, the iconic squat and, of course, a homogenous hue of golden-to-brassy heads. Brilliantly, however, UC...
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Like any true Gaucho, you probably love two things: peacefully enjoying the beautiful, awe-inspiring nature our tranquil golden coast provides us and getting shit-faced. But when the plandles pile up ...
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Popular I.V. rapper Lil’ Bestos has been preaching defiance after realizing that there is asbestos in his new I.V. apartment. “When I heard that this ‘asbestos’ is a fire retardant,” Bestos ...
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In what was certainly a jarring experience, Isla Vista Foot Patrol, the National Guard, Navy SEALs and the local SWAT team were called in to rescue freshman student Francisco Torres after he became tr...
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Somewhere, Calif. –– In a spectacular yet relatable blunder this weekend, freshman Greg Harrison somehow ended up riding a SBMTD bus over 150 miles to the suburbs of Los Angeles while tryin...
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It’s the time of year when our beloved Blue-Green rivalry is in full swing. Soccer players are soccer playing, Gauchos are Loco-ing and everyone is perfecting their “Fuck Cal Poly” cheers. But...
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We have all had the experience of sitting next to someone in a lecture hall and being assaulted by the smell of your neighbor. While I firmly believe that anyone can stink or smell incredible, ...
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The notorious UCSB mountain lion has reportedly had a successful first week at school. After moving into his dorm in FT, his RA, B. Trayal, expressed gratitude for how smooth Mountain Lion made...
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Isla Vista, Calif. — Having recently moved into his (and his eight roommates’) new apartment on the 65 block of Sabado Tarde, second-year student, Jacob Greene, finally got a good, close lo...
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As many are aware, the idea behind Storke Tower came as a fever dream that then-chancellor Conrad H. Hornbreau had while fighting what would ultimately become a fatal bout of dysentery. Initially disi...
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A river of tears sprung from the face of incoming freshman Enya Stein last week as she helplessly puzzled through her first encounter with the UC Santa Barbara bike paths. Stein, despite grad...
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Lately, word has gotten around about so-called FSSP “Hall Genius,” Albert C. Todd, romping the halls of San Nicolas. “Yeah, we were just playing truth or dare… and drinking,” whis...
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Ride through the bike path without crashing
Find a seat at the red couches on the second floor of the library
Sunrise and sunset dip on the same day
Find parking on Del Playa Drive
Drunk for 24 hours
Bagel crawl
First pick at an Arbor muffin in the morning
Participate in a mosh pit at a band show
Finally talk to their class crush
Get an earlier pass time than their friends in GOLD
Graduate
Successfully walk through I.V. without seeing an old hookup
