Nexustentialism

It's satire, stupid.

UCSB Mountain Lion: Where Is He Now?

October 3, 2019 by

  The notorious UCSB mountain lion has reportedly had a successful first week at school. After moving into his dorm in FT, his RA, B. Trayal, expressed gratitude for how smooth Mountain Lion made...
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Second-Year Student Realizing New Apartment a Shithole

October 1, 2019 by

  Isla Vista, Calif. — Having recently moved into his (and his eight roommates’) new apartment on the 65 block of Sabado Tarde, second-year student, Jacob Greene, finally got a good, close lo...
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A Brief History of Storke Tower

October 1, 2019 by

As many are aware, the idea behind Storke Tower came as a fever dream that then-chancellor Conrad H. Hornbreau had while fighting what would ultimately become a fatal bout of dysentery. Initially disi...
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Freshman and Former NASA Intern Can’t Wrap Head Around Bike Loops

September 26, 2019 by

  A river of tears sprung from the face of incoming freshman Enya Stein last week as she helplessly puzzled through her first encounter with the UC Santa Barbara bike paths.  Stein, despite grad...
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Freshman Lauded as “Hall Genius” After Repeatedly Revealing ACT Score and High School GPA to His Floormates

September 12, 2019 by

  Lately, word has gotten around about so-called FSSP “Hall Genius,” Albert C. Todd, romping the halls of  San Nicolas.  “Yeah, we were just playing truth or dare… and drinking,” whis...
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Breaking: The Boys’ Fat Clouds Cause of I.V. Summer Fog

September 10, 2019 by

ISLA VISTA, Calif. – After weeks of research conducted by UCSB’s Department of Environmental Studies, scientists have finally been able to pinpoint the cause of Isla Vista’s unusually foggy summ...
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Oops! Barefoot Granola Girl Gets Broken Glass in Toe While Walking in I.V.

September 4, 2019 by

  Medics were called early this week to the aid of third-year Gabby Trinkino, whose bloodied foot was hard to ignore by many who passed her by on Pardall.  Trinkino, an environmental studies maj...
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Friends Discover Housemate’s Inability To Clean Result of Dad’s Multimillion Dollar Company

August 29, 2019 by

Fourth years Elijah Borf and Daniel Rodriguez discovered this week that friend and housemate Ethan Roberts actually has a pretty fucking rich dad. This discovery ties a lot of loose ends together for ...
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Breaking News: Freshman Girl to Have Fairy Lights, Photo of Boyfriend

August 22, 2019 by

The photo in question, which Romero will point to when referencing her boyfriend and telling new roommates and friends that she already has one, will be a printed photo from Snapchat.
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Despite Contradicting Claims, Student Really Just Watched Netflix All Summer

August 22, 2019 by

“Oh, this summer’s going to be an absolute movieeeeeeee! The time of our lives!”
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Disney Announces Construction of Space Mountain Roller Coaster Atop Mauna Kea

August 16, 2019 by

Following protests over the construction of the Thirty Meter Telescope on the slopes of Mauna Kea in Hawaii, Disney® Resorts has announced construction plans for a new Space Mountain™-themed roller...
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Friend Somehow Just Has All the Internships?

August 13, 2019 by

Breaking: It has recently dawned on incoming junior Marissa Torrez that close friend and housemate Alexandra Lee manages each year to somehow have all the internships.  Amidst many Facebook posts voi...
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Majority of UCSB Emails Now Phishing Scams

August 7, 2019 by

  This just in: UCSB’s automated email-delivery service has recently broken a new record! It has been revealed that — for the first time — phishing scams now make up the majority of the not...
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UCSB Goes D-1 in Gaucho Ball

August 2, 2019 by

  First things first: it’s Gaucho Ball, not “Rage Cage” — show some school pride for crying out loud. Second things second: UCSB has officially qualified as Division 1 in our sacred drink...
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UCSB Campus Bathrooms: Ranked

July 29, 2019 by

Summer school means that I take a lot of shits on campus, because I don’t have time to go home between classes, work and my internship. Therefore, I’ve compiled a list of the best and the worst re...
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