Nexustentialism

It's satire, stupid.

Wikihow: How to spell Nexustentialism

October 25, 2019 by

  Step 1: Check to see if you have a brain Knock knock! Who’s there? It’s your cerebral cortex, silly! Give your ol’ dome a couple of hearty taps with your knuckles to make sure that little...
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C.A.P.S. To Ask Students to “Maybe Try To Be Happy, Instead of Sad?”

October 24, 2019 by

  With collective pressure on California universities to better student health services, UCSB’s Counseling and Psychological Services program has launched a groundbreaking “See the Sunny Side...
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Diversity Win: Sorority Has Two Brunettes AND a Redhead!

October 18, 2019 by

  Sororities are known for many things — the cult-like, ahem, cute chants and hand signals, the iconic squat and, of course, a homogenous hue of golden-to-brassy heads. Brilliantly, however, UC...
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Five Most Eco-Friendly Ways to Get Shit-Faced

October 17, 2019 by

Like any true Gaucho, you probably love two things: peacefully enjoying the beautiful, awe-inspiring nature our tranquil golden coast provides us and getting shit-faced. But when the plandles pile up ...
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Asbestos in Ceiling Won’t Stop I.V. Rapper’s Mixtape From Being Fire

October 14, 2019 by

Popular I.V. rapper Lil’ Bestos has been preaching defiance after realizing that there is asbestos in his new I.V. apartment. “When I heard that this ‘asbestos’ is a fire retardant,” Bestos ...
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Freshman Gets Trapped in Middle of Storke Tower Bike Loop, Has Panic Attack, Is Rescued

October 10, 2019 by

In what was certainly a jarring experience, Isla Vista Foot Patrol, the National Guard, Navy SEALs and the local SWAT team were called in to rescue freshman student Francisco Torres after he became tr...
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Lost Freshman On SBMTD Bus Winds Up in San Bernardino

October 10, 2019 by

  Somewhere, Calif. –– In a spectacular yet relatable blunder this weekend, freshman Greg Harrison somehow ended up riding a SBMTD bus over 150 miles to the suburbs of Los Angeles while tryin...
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BREAKING: Rival Mascots Olé Gaucho and Musty the Mustang Caught in Affair

October 10, 2019 by

It’s the time of year when our beloved Blue-Green rivalry is in full swing. Soccer players are soccer playing, Gauchos are Loco-ing and everyone is perfecting their “Fuck Cal Poly” cheers.  But...
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Best and Worst Majors by Smell

October 8, 2019 by

  We have all had the experience of sitting next to someone in a lecture hall and being assaulted by the smell of your neighbor. While I firmly believe that anyone can stink or smell incredible, ...
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UCSB Mountain Lion: Where Is He Now?

October 3, 2019 by

  The notorious UCSB mountain lion has reportedly had a successful first week at school. After moving into his dorm in FT, his RA, B. Trayal, expressed gratitude for how smooth Mountain Lion made...
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Second-Year Student Realizing New Apartment a Shithole

October 1, 2019 by

  Isla Vista, Calif. — Having recently moved into his (and his eight roommates’) new apartment on the 65 block of Sabado Tarde, second-year student, Jacob Greene, finally got a good, close lo...
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A Brief History of Storke Tower

October 1, 2019 by

As many are aware, the idea behind Storke Tower came as a fever dream that then-chancellor Conrad H. Hornbreau had while fighting what would ultimately become a fatal bout of dysentery. Initially disi...
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Freshman and Former NASA Intern Can’t Wrap Head Around Bike Loops

September 26, 2019 by

  A river of tears sprung from the face of incoming freshman Enya Stein last week as she helplessly puzzled through her first encounter with the UC Santa Barbara bike paths.  Stein, despite grad...
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Freshman Lauded as “Hall Genius” After Repeatedly Revealing ACT Score and High School GPA to His Floormates

September 12, 2019 by

  Lately, word has gotten around about so-called FSSP “Hall Genius,” Albert C. Todd, romping the halls of  San Nicolas.  “Yeah, we were just playing truth or dare… and drinking,” whis...
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Breaking: The Boys’ Fat Clouds Cause of I.V. Summer Fog

September 10, 2019 by

ISLA VISTA, Calif. – After weeks of research conducted by UCSB’s Department of Environmental Studies, scientists have finally been able to pinpoint the cause of Isla Vista’s unusually foggy summ...
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