Nexustentialism
It's satire, stupid.
With the coronavirus pandemic altering every part of life as we know it, people everywhere are taking safety precautions so as to lower the spread. We spoke with one Isla Vista resident, Katie Hudson,...
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Half a bottle of raspberry Smirnoff seeped into the carpet of UC Santa Barbara sophomore Sarah Varelli’s room in her parents’ lavish upper-middle-class Temecula home Thursday night after ...
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Saturday, April 4: a day we mourn what could have been. Ordinarily, the spring quarter is rung in by slammin’ beers with the boys, throwing up in strangers’ yards and blacking out at 11...
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UCSB’s Counseling & Psychological Services has just announced that it will now be offering online counseling in the form of a pre-made smiley face PDF, which your C.A.P.S. specialist will person...
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SOMEWHERE IN CYBERSPACE –– In a spectacular technological blunder late last night, one professor accidentally moved the entire UCSB campus to GauchoSpace while trying to upload a lecture to the we...
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It was bound to happen sometime during the apocalypse that is 2020, and now, it has finally happened — the United States has run out of toilet paper. As college students, we have classes and ...
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In a turn of events that have shocked and befuddled health officials all around the globe, it seems that a recent Instagram trend, known as the push-up challenge, has eradicated all cases of CO...
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Following contact with a coronavirus-infected individual at a conservative conference last week, Senator Ted Cruz voluntarily instated a self-quarantine, which, due to popular demand, has been extende...
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BREAKING — UCSB researchers focusing on the cognition of education have published a new report concluding that college freshmen who start using stimulant drugs such as Adderall as a study aid for cl...
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In the wake of graduate student protests demanding a cost-of-living adjustment, the university announced today that it had ultimately conceded to award the sought-after wage increase. Following a brie...
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UCSB bore witness to a once-in-a-lifetime spectacle last week as Storke Tower’s countdown timer reached zero, its engines were ignited and it blasted off into the heavens. The roar deafened I.V. res...
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PHELPS HALL — A wave of disillusionment fell over the faces of 20 wide-eyed pupils Thursday upon their discovery that their beloved teaching assistant, lack of living wage and all, was not the mathe...
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UCSB’s entire campus has been left reeling this week following the shocking discovery that CALPIRG’s turtle mascot has actually been a tortoise this whole time. “I truly don’t know what to bel...
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While California’s drought has momentarily subsided, an even worse drought has struck the UC Santa Barbara campus: a drought… of clout. The UCSB sociology department defines a clout drought as...
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In shocking developments during this week’s graduate student occupation of Cheadle Hall, a mountain party had reportedly broken out on the top floor of the building, bringing the sounds of EDM to th...
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Ends on ‘good terms’ but is blocked on Instagram
Slow fade
Ghosting them on a random Monday
“It’s not you, it’s me”
Drunk Uber “we need to talk” voice memo
Presents a notes app pros and cons list
Asks to still be friends
Drops their stuff off, never speaks to them again
Texts “this isn’t working” then posts from another country
“It’s not me, it’s you”
Tells them they need to focus on Econ 10A
Delivers a hand-written letter to their mom
