Nexustentialism
It's satire, stupid.
“I don’t really remember what sex is like at this point,” Laeid said. “So putting my dough in the oven is about as close as I’ll get to seeing anything rise.”
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The long-awaited decision came after weeks of pantsless Zoom-call deliberation among COVID-19 response staff.
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Come take a look at an all-new line of never-before-seen Pandemic-mon, a legally distinct brand of pocket-sized fighting monsters!
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“My mom has no White Claws in the freezer, my little brother isn’t actually a chiller and on the off chance that someone here actually tosses, they all toss low,” Brohanski said.
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Officials from Student Health have urged students to take advantage of this limited-time offer, reminding them that “there’s no time like the present” and that “we’re not in Europe, so what...
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Upon the March 25 announcement that UC Santa Barbara officials had “no intention” to adjust tuition for a remote spring quarter, students were forced to face the harsh reality that all thei...
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With the world all topsy-turvy, you might be looking for someone to guide you in wasting money, especially since many Isla Vista residents will be getting some government-provided “fuck-aroun...
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With the coronavirus pandemic altering every part of life as we know it, people everywhere are taking safety precautions so as to lower the spread. We spoke with one Isla Vista resident, Katie Hudson,...
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Half a bottle of raspberry Smirnoff seeped into the carpet of UC Santa Barbara sophomore Sarah Varelli’s room in her parents’ lavish upper-middle-class Temecula home Thursday night after ...
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Saturday, April 4: a day we mourn what could have been. Ordinarily, the spring quarter is rung in by slammin’ beers with the boys, throwing up in strangers’ yards and blacking out at 11...
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UCSB’s Counseling & Psychological Services has just announced that it will now be offering online counseling in the form of a pre-made smiley face PDF, which your C.A.P.S. specialist will person...
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SOMEWHERE IN CYBERSPACE –– In a spectacular technological blunder late last night, one professor accidentally moved the entire UCSB campus to GauchoSpace while trying to upload a lecture to the we...
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It was bound to happen sometime during the apocalypse that is 2020, and now, it has finally happened — the United States has run out of toilet paper. As college students, we have classes and ...
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In a turn of events that have shocked and befuddled health officials all around the globe, it seems that a recent Instagram trend, known as the push-up challenge, has eradicated all cases of CO...
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Following contact with a coronavirus-infected individual at a conservative conference last week, Senator Ted Cruz voluntarily instated a self-quarantine, which, due to popular demand, has been extende...
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Chronically single
“Casual” by Chappell Roan
“Atmosphere” by FISHER
The entire shared playlist with their ex
“Je te laisserai des mots” by Patrick Watson
“If Only” by The Marías
Their ex’s old voice memos
White noise
“ceilings” by Lizzy McAlpine
“Marvins Room” by Drake
“KLOusFRENS” by Bad Bunny
“Somebody Else” by The 1975
