Nexustentialism

It's satire, stupid.

22 Last Minute Ways to Raise Your Grade

December 6, 2016 by

Do not sleep. At all. It slows down the brain and prevents further learning.
read more

Friendship Manor Gives Up on Noise Ordinance, Throws Rager Instead

November 30, 2016 by

The drinks were flowing all night as slutty nurses spoon-fed the elderly residents Jell-O shots, and orderlies laced their oxygen tanks with dank kush.
read more

Professor Only Curses To Impress Freshmen

November 27, 2016 by

Students have claimed that his casual F-bombs and “shits” don't make his second-rate retelling of elementary school history any more interesting.
read more

Illegal Candle Trade in Dorms At All-Time High

November 25, 2016 by

“They were pleading innocent, but you could tell they were lying,” Capt. Morgan said, shaking his head. “Who would use peppermint-scented candles before Thanksgiving?"
read more

Obama Barricades Self in Oval Office, Refuses to Let 45th President In

November 19, 2016 by

Shortly after meeting with President-elect Donald Trump and participating in a civil photo-op, a composed Obama immediately kicked everyone out, grabbed a pint of Cherry Garcia and then locked the doo...
read more

Which Subtweet Should You Tweet Next?

November 18, 2016 by

What fun is the internet if you can’t talk shit? Don’t worry, these subtweets have your back.
read more

Common Cold War: Students Weaponize Sickness, Bring Down Entire Dorm

November 17, 2016 by

"It's like being in a gang, man. When one of us gets sick, the whole building gets sick. It's a way of life."
read more

Overheard in I.V.

November 15, 2016 by

Another edition of eavesdropping brought to you by our version of investigative journalism.
read more

Marijuana Legalization Used as Coping Mechanism for Californians Under Trump Presidency

November 9, 2016 by and

ISLA VISTA, CA - Amidst the dark clouds surrounding election night, a cloud of a different type began to rise above the nerve-wracked streets of I.V.
read more

Fuck.

November 8, 2016 by

"Oh well," reports one witness.
read more

Who’s Leading The Write-In Vote?

November 8, 2016 by

The only place your third party vote will actually count.
read more

Trump Releases List of Demands After Holding American Intellectualism Hostage for a Year

November 8, 2016 by

While a multitude of world leaders have championed for its release, many Americans have agreed never to “negotiate with terrorists,” while others report not being aware of its departure in the fir...
read more

Landmark Measure to Turn Entire Campus into Bike Lane Passes

November 7, 2016 by

It is still relatively unclear to most as to what initially spurred the groundbreaking initiative to even be placed on the 2016-17 ballot.
read more

What Your Latest Urban Outfitters Purchase Says About You

November 5, 2016 by

So many overpriced merchandise options for you to regret later, so little time.
read more

6 Steps to Surviving Parents Weekend

November 4, 2016 by

After six weeks of glorious freedom and no one but your roommates to judge you for your bad life decisions, the parental units will be in I.V. in full force this weekend.
read more