Nexustentialism

It's satire, stupid.

November 30, 2016

Friendship Manor Gives Up on Noise Ordinance, Throws Rager Instead

By Mia Roncati

The drinks were flowing all night as slutty nurses spoon-fed the elderly residents Jell-O shots, and orderlies laced their oxygen tanks with dank kush.

November 27, 2016

Professor Only Curses To Impress Freshmen

By Ariana Marmolejo

Students have claimed that his casual F-bombs and “shits” don't make his second-rate retelling of elementary school history any more interesting.

November 25, 2016

Illegal Candle Trade in Dorms At All-Time High

By Andrea Alvarez

“They were pleading innocent, but you could tell they were lying,” Capt. Morgan said, shaking his head. “Who would use peppermint-scented candles before Thanksgiving?"

November 19, 2016

Obama Barricades Self in Oval Office, Refuses to Let 45th President In

By Ariana Marmolejo

Shortly after meeting with President-elect Donald Trump and participating in a civil photo-op, a composed Obama immediately kicked everyone out, grabbed a pint of Cherry Garcia and then locked the doors.

November 18, 2016

Which Subtweet Should You Tweet Next?

By Vianna Mabanag

What fun is the internet if you can’t talk shit? Don’t worry, these subtweets have your back.

November 17, 2016

Common Cold War: Students Weaponize Sickness, Bring Down Entire Dorm

By Clayton Alexander

"It's like being in a gang, man. When one of us gets sick, the whole building gets sick. It's a way of life."

November 15, 2016

Overheard in I.V.

By Tryna Function

Another edition of eavesdropping brought to you by our version of investigative journalism.

November 9, 2016

Marijuana Legalization Used as Coping Mechanism for Californians Under Trump Presidency

By Jasmine Vaughn, Ariana Marmolejo

ISLA VISTA, CA - Amidst the dark clouds surrounding election night, a cloud of a different type began to rise above the nerve-wracked streets of I.V.

November 8, 2016

Fuck.

By Jasmine Vaughn

"Oh well," reports one witness.

November 8, 2016

Who’s Leading The Write-In Vote?

By Jasmine Vaughn

The only place your third party vote will actually count.

November 8, 2016

Trump Releases List of Demands After Holding American Intellectualism Hostage for a Year

By Zack Zimmerman

While a multitude of world leaders have championed for its release, many Americans have agreed never to “negotiate with terrorists,” while others report not being aware of its departure in the first place.

November 7, 2016

Landmark Measure to Turn Entire Campus into Bike Lane Passes

By Jake Feder

It is still relatively unclear to most as to what initially spurred the groundbreaking initiative to even be placed on the 2016-17 ballot.

November 5, 2016

What Your Latest Urban Outfitters Purchase Says About You

By Elisabeth March

So many overpriced merchandise options for you to regret later, so little time.

November 4, 2016

6 Steps to Surviving Parents Weekend

By Zoey Brandt

After six weeks of glorious freedom and no one but your roommates to judge you for your bad life decisions, the parental units will be in I.V. in full force this weekend.