Nexustentialism

April 27, 2017

Fledgling Beach Cruiser Gang Terrorizes Campus

By Lil Furnace

Recent police reports suggest that a new biker gang, known formally as The Bitchin’ Beach Crewsuirs, has started to infiltrate the various bike racks of UCSB’s campus.

April 26, 2017

Fraternity Rituals Explained with Frat Phil

By Fraternity Phil

Out of the supreme zesty-ness of my heart, I’ve decided to share some of my hazing methods and rituals.

April 24, 2017

Film Studies TA Offers Extra Office Hours to Discuss New Zelda Game

By Will McIntosh

The start of the new Spring Quarter brought about the usual chaos of students changing sections, crashing classes and purchasing textbooks. In an effort to combat this recurring calamity, Film Studies 46 TA Cynthia Zoran...

April 21, 2017

Beach Cruiser Biker Gangs Strike Terror in the Hearts of UCSB Students

By Lil Furnace

Recent reports show a new biker gang, formally known as The Bitchin’ Beach Crewsers, has infiltrated our beloved UCSB campus.

April 21, 2017

When Your Roommate Leaves for the Weekend: Expectation versus Reality

By Enna B. Holmes

In college, having a room to yourself is a rare and treasured occurrence. Often, however, the reality doesn’t live up to your glorious weekend plans.

April 20, 2017

Ask Eggbert: Advice for Incoming Freshmen

By Eggbert the Alien

In this installment, Eggbert will answer the burning, itchy questions of committed incoming UCSB freshmen as well as prospective students!

April 14, 2017

Top 7 Household Items to Use as Back-Up Condoms

By Will McIntosh

You reach for your nightstand, open the drawer and BAM: no rubbers.

April 11, 2017

Frat Boy Creates 8th Day of Week to Spend More Time with ‘The Boys’

By Mia Roncati

Traditionally, only Saturdays have been for the boys, but now, more and more days are being consumed by this ritual.

April 10, 2017

Literal River of Alcohol Runs Through DP During Deltopia

By Isaac Mikulski

This year’s alcohol-infused festivities included the creation of a lazy liquor river through the crowded street.

April 7, 2017

Top 15 Things UCSB Could Have Spent Anti-Deltopia $40K On

By Vianna Mabanag

If UCSB’s going to hike up tuition and spend a ridiculous amount of money on anti-partying ads, they might as well give us what we really want.

April 5, 2017

UC Regents ‘Hikes’ Actually Referring to Light Exercise

By Elisabeth March

The use of the term “hike,” which has commonly been utilized to describe the annual upward trend of tuition costs to students, seems to have been a particular point of miscommunication.

April 4, 2017

Drunken Basket Stealer Shows No Remorse in Court

By Emily Anne Williams

“Yeah, I did it, and I’d gladly do it again. Those baskets knew what they were in for. Zip ties ain’t got nothing on me.”

April 2, 2017

What Happens When A Student Stays in I.V. Over Spring Break

By Mia Roncati

What happens when you are the one left behind forced to suffer through the best weather and most stress-free environment all by yourself?

March 30, 2017

How to Avoid Fuckbois and General Disappointment this Spring Break

By Lil Furnace

For the less fortunate among us, Spring Break means a week of White Russians in the morning and desperate fuckboys who want nudes.

March 28, 2017

7 Ways to Turn Your Backyard into Cabo

By Lil Furnace

Don’t want to cry profusely out of jealousy while avoiding your neighbor’s attempts to recruit you into his meth lab? Then follow these seven easy steps to create Cabo in your backyard!

March 27, 2017

Professor Booze Cruise Results in Hijacked Oil Rig

By Lauren Jensen

What was meant to be a quiet ocean cruise for several of the school’s esteemed faculty turned into a nightmare of intoxicated hijinks, which included the swift seizure of one of the several oil rigs that are visible fr...