We all know college tour guides are lying fucks. Thinking back to the 27 college tours your mother made you go on, do you really think all of those tour guides told you the truth about their schools? Think about the glorified picture of UCSB they painted for you and compare it to the harsh reality you face daily. Admittedly, we were all blatantly lied to just to make us think college would be better than high school. Here, I expose the tour guides:
1. What they say: Welcome to UCSBl! We’re so excited to have you and, personally, I can’t wait to show you around campus! Woooo, future gauchos! *fist bump into air with extended laugh and cheesy smile in which their eyes crinkle too much*
What they mean: I’m so fucking high and this looks good on my résumé. Get ready for some stories, you sheltered bitches.
2. What they say: This is Davidson Library; a lot of our students use it to study around the clock! It’s broken up into ocean and mountain side, and there’s a café where you can grab coffee. My favorite spot is one of the fourth-floor balconies; it has a nice view of campus.
What they mean: I also like to contemplate throwing myself off of said fourth-floor balcony. I have spent so many Adderall-fueled nights here, I BLEED Yerb.
3. What they say: So this is Storke Tower! It’s the center of campus and the Daily Nexus, our campus newspaper, and KCSB FM, our campus radio station, both have offices at the base.
What they mean: Get you a CSO to take you to the top and bang you up there. Also, it’s a giant penis.
4. What they say: This is the MultiCultural Center; they host a lot of really fun and cool events you can attend! They have a calendar you can look at online, and they send out weekly emails to keep you updated.
What they mean: Free bagels.
5. What they say: This is Pardall Tunnel; it’s one of the main bike routes that takes students into Isla Vista! It’s connected to Pardall Road, where you’ll find Freebirds, which you’ll soon be in love with, haha! Fun fact: the lights follow you as you travel through the tunnel!
What they mean: Once during freshman year, I woke up in the middle of Pardall Tunnel at 5:02 a.m. on a Thursday after a night of heavy fuckery in I.V.
6. What they say: So, recently, we’ve had a lot of construction on campus, as the new bioengineering building is being built. As you can tell, our school really cares about updating our infrastructure and making sure we have the nicest facilities for our students!
What they mean: Engineering students get all of this school’s fucking money. Why do we need another engineering building?
7. What they say: This is our UCen. There are lots of food options, like Panda or Subway. The mail center is downstairs, and our bookstore is in there!
What they mean: Why the fuck hasn’t Starbucks opened yet? Also, people sleep in here and lots of drug deals go on.
8. What they say: This is the Arbor. Many students walk through here every day, and there are always groups providing information and even free things! It’s a great place to just come and people-watch if you ever have the time!
What they mean: Put your headphones in and your head down; this is a fucking war zone. Amidst the alpha kappa rush yo gabba gabbas and the save the bees and fibromyalgia environmentalists, you will be late to class.
9. What they say: UCSB is a very bike-friendly campus, and we have bike paths everywhere! As you can see, during passing periods it can get pretty crazy, but after a while, it’s no problem navigating the paths, and there’s so many of them!
What they mean: Bikers will hit you. Also, you can get a BUI.
10. What they say: Overall you just can’t beat this location! You can walk to the beach and just relax, and there are always fun things going on here. UCSB students are just so relaxed and loving; you can always find someone to smile at here! :)
What they mean: This school has given me a coke habit, and I didn’t go the beach once freshman year. In fact, I fucking hate the ocean, and my housemate last year got busted for making meth in her research lab after-hours. The UC system is a fucking failed experiment, and my closest friend is a dog I pet everyday because I literally break into the house to use its running water to shower.
Sophie Mendell doesn’t like liars.