Dear Diary,

Today made me so sad. Like SO sad. Christmas is supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year and I actually can’t handle all the desperation and sadness in these Christmas songs. The only songs these days I can trust for Christmas time are Justin Bieber and the NSYNC holiday CD — nothing quite knows me like those albums. It’s not weird to give Christmas songs this much critical analysis — like, if I don’t, then who will? Helloooo, we all know that Christmas music is acceptable from June 16 and on.

So first, I would like to address “All I Want For Christmas Is You.” Mariah Carey, how are we supposed to prove to the new generation of women that we are setting a good example when you are being so obviously desperate? We know you like this guy, okay, you’ve made it pretty obvious — duh, you’re singing a whole song about it. But you need to tone it down. It’s because of people like you that we as a culture of women look so needy. You’re promoting all of my sorority sisters to “send that late night text” when we know it’s the guy’s turn, or just randomly show up at their doorstep because we “forgot our sweater.” We’re above this — it’s demeaning.

Secondly, I would like to pay tribute to all of the songs that successfully make me depressed at Christmas time. Oh, they’re “classics” now? No. “I’m dreaming of a White Christmas just like the one I used to know?” Mournful. “Last Christmas I gave you my heart, the very next day, you gave it away?” Somber. “Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer?” Bullying. “I’ll be home for Christmas, if only in my dreams?” You’re basically saying you’re not going to make it to Christmas. “Frosty the Snowman?” He literally dies at the end of this song. Plus, these songs allow for absolutely ridiculous stories — how do people actually believe them? Snowmen can’t come to life — duh. “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” tells us to put away our “troubles” until Christmas is over — but like, what if my “troubles” need to be dealt with now? This is completely unrealistic.

I’m not saying we can change the world with this, but I mean, I’m not saying we can’t. This is an absolutely pressing dilemma — if only people would agree with me. Christmas time is so important, and not just because of some silly red Starbucks cups (which, by the way, could totally use some work)!! It’s about family, friends and really good food (and also presents, but I don’t want to sound too spoiled), so we need to make sure we have the music to match! Maybe I’ll start a revolution, or even debate it with a random person on campus that just really likes to debate stuff!

Okay, well, that’s it for now! Hopefully I’ll have more to report in a few hours after my lecture with the cute guy that was in my psych section or after I binge watch the last three epis of Scream Queens!


Sorority Sally