Nexustentialism

It's satire, stupid.

January 15, 2016

TeaKitten: Passionate Peach For Your Passionate Peach

By Lyla Bernfield

You know how it goes. Your new Tinder bae invites you over to Netflix and chill, and 20 minutes into the provocative world of “Bob’s Burgers,” things start getting steamy. Roommate sexiled, twinkle lights on and wa...

January 12, 2016

7-Eleven Secret Menu

By Emily Williams

January 9, 2016

Josh Inga Uncovered: The Free & For Sale Legend

By Jasmine Vaughn

Even if you’ve only recently joined the UCSB Free & For Sale Facebook group, you’ve likely already come across some interesting wares. Although the page promises “dirty couches, alcohol, and worn panties,” on...

January 5, 2016

Hoverboard Craze: Dangerous or Sexy?

By Jasmine Vaughn

Three are injured and two are in emergency care after a crash on the sidewalk in front of the Arbor yesterday morning. Reports say the accident was caused when a hoverboarder lost control of his vehicle while driving thr...

January 2, 2016

2015 Pop-Culture Highlights

By Miranda Velasquez

Fellow Gauchos, 2015 is officially over. Can you believe it!? Even though it seems to have lasted all of five minutes, so much has happened in the world of celebrities, TV, movies, music and strange yet interesting Inter...

December 25, 2015

13 Reasons Why Santa Sucks

By Simone Dupuy

Despite what his name suggests, old Saint Nick is no saint. Here are a few reasons to stop idealizing this son of a nutcracker. 1.) He is a slave owner You think those elves are getting #paid? Hell no. Santa doesn’t ev...

December 24, 2015

Sorority Sally’s Christmas Diary Entry

By Sorority Sally

Dear Diary, Today made me so sad. Like SO sad. Christmas is supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year and I actually can’t handle all the desperation and sadness in these Christmas songs. The only songs these ...

December 23, 2015

DIY Ugly Christmas Sweater Guide

By Jasmine Vaughn

A step-by-step guide to uglifying a perfectly good sweater, just in time for the holiday season! Hopefully this guide inspires the mediocre DIY artists of our generation, as well as the people who are stuck at home and h...

December 20, 2015

Highly Anticipated Features of New Library

By Alexandra Retter

With only less than one month until the unveiling of the renovated library (FINALLY), you’re probably getting anxious to check it out! I don’t blame you — it’s going to be a bastion of all sorts of new-fangled ...

December 17, 2015

40 Funniest Venmo Captions

By Nexustentialism Staff

Venmo is a lifesaver. It lets you pay that $2.33 you owe your friend for a slice of pizza, your drug dealer or any other person that also has a Venmo account. Is it slightly sketchy to hook up your bank account to an app...

December 4, 2015

Liberal Arts Student Puts Aside Social Justice to Enjoy Family Dinner

By Jasmine Vaughn

In recent years, the young people of the millennial generation have grown out of the warmth and comfort of their childhood holiday experiences, transitioning into the cold, harsh reality of adulthood. Balancing the desir...

December 2, 2015

El Niño Survival Guide

By A. Gaucho

As the Santa Barbara winter approaches and the much anticipated El Niño pours down on our perfect little beach city, we must prepare for something that most Californians don’t have very much experience with: rain. Q...

December 1, 2015

Yik Yaks at Home vs Yik Yaks in I.V.

By Nexustentialism Staff

Yik Yak is a cyber-community that shares the sexual, weird, funny or sometimes even lonely anonymous thoughts of those around you. Isla Vista is lucky in the fact that we have quite a lively community, which makes for ev...

November 26, 2015

Get Stuffed: A Pardoned Turkey Speaks Out

By Not A Vegan

Since John F. Kennedy in 1963, each year the president has saved a turkey from becoming dinner and sent it to live out its days on a countryside farm. This merciful gesture, however, is not without consequence. When the ...

November 25, 2015

Sorority Girl Forgets Uggs; Cannot Survive El Niño

By Sorority Sally

These past bouts of El Niño have greatly affected the Isla Vista community. Greek Life in general has taken a major hit, resulting in the cancellation of Fratopia daygers and snappa games due to flash flood warnings and...

November 23, 2015

UCSB Blood Transfusions Intoxicate Local Hospital Patients

By Ricardo Moreno

Last Sunday, it was reported that several patients at Sunny Hills Hospital were found to have elevated BAC levels. After a thorough investigation, it was revealed that all intoxicated patients received blood transfusions...