What’s the freaking 411, readers? It’s your toasty host with the roast, Frat Phil (short for Fraternity Philmore and long for Frap). Parental units everywhere swear to the big guy in the sky that they didn’t get to spend nearly enough quality time with their offspring this last break. Combine that with the fiery fact that you almost flatlined fucking sending it this past Deltopia weekend, and you get a recipe for parental overload.

For those of you who can’t seem to reject the bid back home this weekend, just know that it’s all good in the hood. Your OG residence may feel like being in a jail cell on a dry campus, but that doesn’t mean you can’t get lit. You just have to be creative, which is why I made this list of fratty shit to do while under the watchful eye of the parental powers that be. Please proceed to read my fucking list.

1. Shotgun milk cartons, Capri Suns and all of your stepdad’s energy drinks.

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2. Make sure your younger siblings only refer to you as “A Freaking Chiller, Dude.”

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3. Initiate text convos with at least 30 females and then don’t respond.

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4. Internalize every single Arnold Schwarzenegger motivational vid on YouTube.

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5. Act like you don’t fuck with Justin Bieber.

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6. Put your snug-fit condoms in a Magnum box.

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7. Casually Five-Star Frog Splash your coffee table.

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8. Become a socially liberal but fiscally conservative meninist. #alllivesmatter

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9. Put Jordan Belfort quotations all up in your Twitter bio.

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10. Only listen to public Spotify playlists called, “TROPICAL TRAP ANTHEMS 2K16 #ROADTOBROCHELLA.”

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11. Make your Siberian Husky temporary social chair.

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12. Subsequently let your temp social chair roam the streets of I.V. wherever you live because you forgot owning an animal means taking care of it.

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*mic drop* … *cue Drake’s “Charged Up” even though I don’t fuck with Drake*

Frat Phil is an entrepreneurial spirit whose end goal in life is to build empires. Hobbies include playing Jenga (pull out game strong), overhead pressing small children and doing creatine body shots with his pledge master.

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